Question:: Hi. My wife is satisfied with 2 basic positions: missionary and doggy style lying down. I, on the other hand, am interested in exploring new things that will get me more aroused and more pleasure.
How to get my wife to WANT to explore new activities so that we’ll both benefit from it? How to get her to open up to try new things? She is insecure about her body and therefore not sexy in her performance. Her skills in bed are very poor and I’m therefore not satisfied. She is not suggesting anything new like erotic videos, sex toys, videotaping ourselves, swinging… nothing. She is happy with how things are. She is not even aware that she could benefit from it too by experiencing new levels of pleasure. I even suggested to her a few things that will make me happy like a surprising blowjob while driving or in the cinema, touching private parts (discretely) in public places, going out to a restaurant without panties, a quickly in the closet in friends’ house, watch videos of other couples and get ideas, etc. So I guess my question is: how to get my wife to WANT more from sex?
Answer::
Hey there,
Thanks for being in touch. This is a pretty common question, and I’m going to put it in the queue for doing a podcast episode. Here is an episode we did recently answering a similar question: Wife Doesn’t Want Sex? Here’s What To Do!
But in the mean time, here are a few quick thoughts.
I would suggest slowing way down. The requests you mentioned are all actually pretty extreme requests – many involve public forms of sex or affection – which may feel way too risky. often, men and women have different ideas about what might be on the menu! And if your wife feels like what you really want is way out there, she may just close down completely.
She may also know that you think her skills are “really poor” and thus feel shut down, and just go through the motions but not really enjoy or put her soul into the sex you are having. Kind of like when you know you are bad at a sport, and choose to sit on the sidelines rather than give it a try. Of course, you don’t get any better sitting out, but it feels safer to do so.
What you want to aim for is to start warming up the physical relationship and making sure her needs are being met. What would happen if you said “for this evening, I’ll do anything you wish. from clean the house to give you a foot massage to go through old family photos. what do you need dear?”
Your own needs are important, but if you can set them aside and try to show up for her, right where she is at, as an open hearted and dedicated partner, that might start a (long) process of thawing out the relationship and building more trust.
Have you tried our couples massage videos? if she is open to it, learning massage together can be a great, non-threatening way, to open up the physical relationship. Would she be open to receiving foot or back massage from you? many couples find that massage is a way to start giving one another pleasure again, but doesn’t have the same charge as “give me a blowjob in the theater”
Of course, there are myriad reasons she may be closed down. a few common ones: stress overwhelm, resentment about something in the relationship, a history of trauma or abuse, distraction from money or other life issues, health concerns, chronic disease. . . in short, sexuality is not always a top priority, and it may take some work to figure out what is going on with her inner landscape.
Hope that helps. feel free to write me back with your thoughts, more information about the relationship, your first intuitive response to my advice, and i’ll see if I can provide any more thoughts for you!
Thanks again for being in touch, and good luck!
Chris