Pleasure Mechanics

The Venn Diagram of Desire

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The Venn Diagram of Desire

Is it selfish to say “no” to your lover’s sexual requests? What role do healthy boundaries play in a satisfying sex life?

Discover the Venn Diagram of Desire! You have your desires, your lover has their own, and your shared sex life is where the two overlap.

Having different interests and desires doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it simply means you need to find your overlap and choose to go deeper together in your relationship.

In this must-listen episode, we explore how to have a fulfilling sex life – while keeping your integrity intact! Being sexually liberated doesn’t mean doing anything and everything!

True sexual freedom means knowing what your authentic desires are, being willing to have open and honest communication with your lover, and choosing what you honestly want to explore together. Negotiation is an essential skill for a successful relationship – but how do you negotiate while respecting your lover’s desires (even if they turn you off!) How do you stay true to yourself while growing and being open to new experiences?

 

Desire, Libido and Wanting To Want

“I just want to want again”

We’ve heard this from so many people over the years!

Many people want to increase their sexual desire. Loss of desire is very common and, thankfully, something you can take control of.

Desire is complex terrain, and we are here for you in the complicated conversations! The best way to explore with us is to join our inner circle membership community, The Pleasure Pod and start engaging with our resources so you can take action in your daily life.

One of our members-only resource pods features all of our best resources about desire, fantasy and arousal so you can quickly find the guidance you need to start exploring!

Podcast Episodes About Desire, Libido and Wanting

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5mdyRIirxgIfAfSVjsiJdb?si=yeWgAwvGSjCeqazryTPATg
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5h3fVAS83Mf5bAQYteyUnV?si=0Kibln08Srq9NbpbTuN6Vw

What Is Blocking Your Desire?

If you aren’t feeling as much sexual desire as you wish, the first thing to get real about is how much stress is getting in the way of your desire. Stress is highly toxic, and many people find that the more stressed out they are, the less sexual desire they feel. This makes sense, as the body shifts it’s resources to manage stress and away from the less essential systems. If you suspect stress is killing your libido, start with couples massage. Sharing massage with your lover is an amazing way to connect with your lover, melt away stress and get back in touch with pleasure.

It is also important to get real about what else might be blocking your sexual desire. Is there resentment or regret clouding your relationship? Is there anything you need to clear up between you and your lover so you can feel ready to be intimate and vulnerable together. If you do fine and get aroused while fantasizing about strangers, but can’t seem to get interested in sex with your lover, work on your relationship before worrying about your own libido!

True Desire Is For What Is Sustainable and Nourishing

Of course, desire can go haywire and turn into compulsive cravings and addictions. That is not true desire. True desire is for that which pleasures our body and soul in a long-term, sustainable way.

What desires do you allow yourself? Notice all the places in your life you have desire and don’t allow it.

Fantasy Vs. Desire: Discover The Crucial Difference!

Desire is not the same as fantasy. It is easy to fantasize about things that you do not truly desire. Fantasy is the realm of the erotic imagination, where anything is possible. Desire is that which you actually want more of in your life. Our guide on Erotic Communication uncovers the crucial difference between fantasy and desire and guides you in naming your authentic desires so  you can have the sex life you really want.

In this culture, we are taught to desire consumer goods and foods – but not some of the more satisfying things in life (fulfillment, touch, intimacy, freedom.) Learning to authentically name your desires is the first step towards creating the sex life that will fulfill you.

It All Starts With Desire… Right?

Desire is the craving for an experience. Sexual desire is one of the most mysterious of all human experiences. Science has yet to account for what creates desire, the range of desire between individuals or all the factors that either build or drain the experience of sexual desire. 

There is one big secret about sexual desire, however, that can change the way you approach sex all together. 

All great sex doesn’t begin with desire. 

Most people assume that desire comes first, and then sex happens. Women especially are made to feel inadequate if they are not in the mood for sex or ready to initiate sex out of the blue. Many women worry that their libido has disappeared, or that they have no sex drive to speak of. 

But the truth is, lots of great sex starts before both people are feeling totally “in the mood!” 

To understand this phenomenon, it is important to recognize that there is not just one kind of sexual desire! 

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire

There are two general kinds of sexual desire: Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire. Spontaneous Desire happens when something internal triggers your desire to have sex, and your body responds with excitement or anticipation. Responsive Desire happens when your lover has already initiated sexual connection and you find yourself responding positively and getting in the mood. 

Traditionally it is thought that men experience more Spontaneous Desire and women are more prone to Responsive Desire. We believe that we are all capable of both, and that there is a lot of benefit in being aware of your capacity for both. 

If you find yourself thinking about sex, follow your thoughts and see where they lead. Fantasizing is a great way to get yourself in the mood! 

Equally, if your partner flirts with you or initiates sex, consider the possibility that it might feel great even if you are not immediately in the mood. Choose to move towards the connection rather than deny it right away. This works especially well when you have made the agreement we spoke about earlier, that not every sexual connection will end with intercourse. With this agreement in place, you can choose to meet your lover in their moment of desire and then pay attention to what your body wants, authentically follow your turn-on and honor one another’s needs and desires in the moment. This is another reason we love massage. Even if you are tired and worn out, massage can be enough to prime your pump and get you in the mood for more erotic connection. 

Responsive Desire is a powerful force. When your lover initiates an erotic connection, you can choose to give it a few minutes and see what happens. If you still find yourself not in the mood, you have at least shared a few minutes of good energy together. Or, you may find yourself heating up and ready for much more than you would have imagined! A win-win scenario.

To be clear: we do NOT recommend doing anything sexual when you are not authentically in the mood. This is especially true for any kind of penetrative sex. It is, however worth exploring the idea that you can be physically intimate and connect if you aren’t yet in the mood, and give your body and mind some time to connect the dots. Then communicate with your partner about what you are authentically interested in doing that moment. 

Responsive Desire

Let’s face it: life is busy, our to-do lists are long and at the end of the day it can feel exhausting to think about getting intimate.

But if you wait until you are in the mood, you might be caught waiting for far longer than you want.

What if instead you sought out a pleasure you are ready to say yes to, and then the next?

This is the essential difference between .

So here is a simple choice that can do wonders for your overall pleasure, joy and intimate connection: find a pleasure to say yes to, and let that be the spark in a responsive desire cycle. Let one pleasure lead to the next, as it feels good and right in the moment. This isn’t about faking anything – in fact it’s about finding your most authentic yes.

If exploring responsive desire with a lover, meet wherever you both can show up fully. Go for a walk or sit on the couch and talk. Play a game or workout together. Ask to cuddle. Choose to get naked, get in bed and simply explore full body touch.

Don’t put pressure on the situation, don’t have an agenda to go all the way. Just connect. Laugh. Touch. Then notice how you feel.

Most of the time, your body will start warming up and feeling really good, your mind will relax and you’ll say things like “Why don’t we do this EVERY night?”

This “get naked and touch” advice is even more important for those of us who don’t often experience the lightning bolt feeling of horniness or spontaneous desire. Some people are simply more likely to feel aroused and ready for intimacy once they are already in an erotic situation (naked and touching their lover!) rather than spontaneously as they are washing up after dinner.

Once you are naked and in bed, focus on full body touch, using all of the strokes you have learned from the . Then, if you find yourself aroused, you can move on to or other kinds of orgasmic stimulation. But remember that even a few moments of full body touch is enough to trigger your brain’s pleasure response, create head-to-toe relaxation and release all the health benefits of touch. Make a few minutes of full body touch part of your daily routine and you’ll notice tremendous benefits for your health and your relationship.

So don’t wait to be in the mood for intimacy. Choose to get naked and start touching and see what happens!