Pleasure Mechanics

Sexuality, Disability, Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain

This page is a living document to share resources related to sexuality, disability, chronic illness and chronic pain. This is a HUGE topic and the links shared on this page each do an amazing job from different perspectives. If you have resources that you feel belong on this page, please email them to us at chris – at – pleasuremechanics.com

Whatever your new reality, you are not alone. Whatever you are experiencing, it has been felt before. For many people, this simple truth can be deeply comforting to take in and remember in moments of overwhelm.

It can be powerful to build community around your new normal. Online communities can offer invaluable resources, emotional support and community news to keep you up to date on your conditions.

Strategies To Find Community

  • Ask your medical team for referrals to online or local groups
  • Search [your condition] on Instagram and look for accounts you resonate with
  • Search [your condition] on Facebook and look for groups with a vibrant membership. Expect to quit many groups you join – each group has it’s own pace and culture
  • Search [your condition] + “activism” and look for groups advocating for your community, research and treatment options, and then get involved!

Conversation Starters

Use these conversations starters to begin a dialogue with your lovers, friends and family – or to reflect or journal on solo!

  • What’s your diagnosis?
    • Getting common language about what you are experiencing is important. Make sure you, your medical team and your community are on the same page about what you are experiencing! 
  • What’s your daily experience now? How variable is it? 
  • How much pain are you experiencing? Where? What does it feel like? Is it predictable?
  • What changes have there been in your day-to-day activity?
  • What are you feeling afraid of?
  • What are you feeling angry about?
  • What are you feeling grateful for?
  • What kind of support do you need more of?
  • What experiences are you longing for?
  • What are you worried about not experiencing again?
  • What do you feel left out of, socially?
  • How has your erotic or sexual life changed?
  • Do you have any worries about your sex life you want to talk about?

Recalibrating Pleasure, Joy & Belonging

Pleasure

  • What is bringing me the most pleasure right now?
  • What senses are still open to pleasure? What senses are tender or painful to engage?
  • What are you curious about right now?
  • What is one thing you could take away from your bedroom and one thing you could add to make it a more pleasurable space for you to be in?


Joy

  • How has your illness or injury impacted your sense of purpose in the world?
  • What are you most looking forward to?
  • What are you excited about right now?


Belonging

  • Where does your communities gather? Are these spaces still accessible and comfortable for you?
  • Are there alternate ways you could engage with your community?
  • How has your role in your family changed?
  • How has your role at work changed?
  • Do you feel like a burden to your caregivers?
  • What are ways you can contribute more, with your current limitations respected?
  • Who do you want to talk to? Who do you want to listen to you? 

Map Your Love Pod

A powerful concept from the Disability Justice movement is that of “pods” – the very real networks of people and service providers that surround each of us! Living with illness or disability means we MUST map out our local support community and take stock of all the support we have – and where we might need to intentionally fill in some gaps.

Read more about pods and get pod mapping worksheets here.

What has changed?

After illness, injury or any other huge change, it is important to be honest about what has changed. What are the big adjustments you will have to make – and what is actually still pretty normal underneath all the other changes? What is your body up for? What are you wanting? What are you capable of?

The answers to these big questions will change over time, so the important thing is to be able to check in and communicate clearly about what is real for you, right now.

Areas to keep checking in with:

  • Diagnosis, Illness, Injury, Medications, Side Effects
  • Sensory changes – sensitivity to light, smells, touch
  • Mood and personality changes
  • Energy, Stamina & Fatigue
  • Intellectual and emotional changes

Remember, no matter what your body is up to right now, you are wholly human and inherently worthy of being loved, cherished and respected.

What do you want to feel?

Sex is a big word that contains a lot of human experience, feeling and emotion within three little letters. 

We need to get more specific than “I miss sex”  – what are you longing for? What are you wanting to experience? What do you miss? What are you craving?

Here are a few podcast episodes to help you start thinking about the many factors of your erotic life as you adjust to a new normal

Experiencing Pelvic Pain?

If your illness, injury or other big change has left you experiencing pelvic pain or sexual pain, here are some resources to help you address that. 

You don’t have to suffer in silence. There are trained professionals ready to support you and assist you! 

  • The Pelvic Pain Assessment is an interactive survey through pain symptoms inclusive of sexual health and life quality. Once the assessment is complete, the result is a printable PDF that serves as a tool to facilitate patient doctor communication and referrals.
  • Pelvic Floor Professional help:

Books, Articles & Compassionate Education

Educators, Artists & Creators

  • Disability After Dark is a fantastic podcast hosted by queer crip (his words) Andrew Gurza and features interviews about sex, disability, ableism, queerness and more.
  • Chronic Sex
  • Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha is a queer disabled femme writer, organizer, performance artist and educator of Burgher/Tamil Sri Lankan and Irish/Roma ascent.
  • Sins Invalid: Sins Invalid is a disability justice performance project that centers people of color, queers, nonbinary and trans people with disabilities.