Before you and your partner start talking about your most adventurous sexual desires, you must get comfortable talking about sex in general.

Ideally, you want to be able to talk about sex as casually as possible, while enjoying the spark and tingle of desire in the air. It is one way of flirting with your partner, while dissolving the guilt and shame that we all carry (inherited from thousands of years of sexual oppression no less!)

Over the years, we have found that being able to talk about sex is one of the most important erotic skills to develop. Note that we say ABOUT sex, not DURING sex!

Choose to talk about sex when you are both in a good mood, relaxed and have your basic needs taken care of! Personally, we love talking about sex on long drives and while walking in nature.

Why Is It Hard To Talk About Sex?

Sex is difficult or awkward to talk about because of our sexually conservative cultural past. As kids, most of us got the message that it was rude or immoral to talk about sex or ask sexual questions.

The silence around sex is part of how it is controlled. Freely talking about sex is a radical act! Talking about sex declares that it is a healthy, normal part of life that can be freely explored and discussed without shame.

Talk About Sex With People You Aren’t Sleeping With!

It is important to remember you can also gain a ton of freedom and knowledge by simply talking about sex with your friends, family and wider community. You’ll have different kinds of conversations with different people in your life, but start breaking down that taboo and shame wherever you can.

Talking about sex doesn’t mean you have to lose all privacy. Privacy is chosen – secrecy is enforced.

Perhaps you have a few friends who you are comfortable discussing sex with. We think it is a fascinating subject of conversation, but only you will be able to determine who is in your circle of trust!

Have you ever talked about sex with your siblings, parents or other family members? Again, it doesn’t have to be about your sex life – talking about sex culture in general can be a really interesting way to get to know the people in your life!

It also helps to talk about sex in general before you start talking about your own desires and wants. Try bringing up a topic and see how your partner responds:

I read an article about the rising popularity of kinky sex. What do you think about that?
I stumbled upon a blog post about sexual domination. Is that something you’ve ever thought about?
There was a story on the news about polyamory. Have you ever known anyone who was in a non-monogamous relationship?

Many couples also share our podcast episodes and then go on walks or drives to discuss them. One couple rides the subway together, each listening to the same episode on headphones, exchanging knowing glances and naughty smiles. You can find our entire podcast library here: Speaking of Sex Podcast or search “Pleasure Mechanics” in any podcast player and look for Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics!

Create A Culture of Curiosity

If there is one cliche that is doubly true in the bedroom, it is “never say never.” Sexuality is fluid – it changes over the course of our life, and just when you think you know

yourself is usually when the next level of mystery reveals itself.

What turns you on today will not be what you want three years from now. So the key is not defining “who you are” as a sexual being in any fixed way, any more than being

healthy means eating the same meal forever. The key is in learning to decide what you want to experience at any given time.

We are offering you all sorts of thought experiments that will help you determine exactly what you want to discover.

Ultimately, the only way to know what something feels like is to try it. More than once.

You can never assume what something feels like by watching it done to someone else, reading about it in a book or talking to someone who has tried it. This kind of research may provide some hints and clues as to what you might find pleasurable.

But imagine trying to plan your entire diet based on reading cookbooks. At some point you have to try new dishes, and decide what you like and what you don’t like.

This can be scary when it comes to sex – there is a concern that if your whole identity and value as a human rests upon if you like something or not. We are much more comfortable saying out loud “I happen to like sardines” than “I happen to like spanking!”

Be open and expect your desires to change over time.

Get ready to surprise yourself in very wonderful ways.

Respond, Don’t React

What will you do when your lover reveals a desire that surprises (or even shocks!) you?

We say “when” because it will almost certainly happen – at some point in this adventure your lover will surprise you.

In these moments, it is important to take the time to respond rather than react. Reacting happens out of a place of threat tracking. Responding happens out of a willingness to learn or be curious about something.

Give your partner the respect to slow down and take the time to understand their desires before responding rather than reacting.

Sometimes, new sexual information about our lover can take awhile to sink in.

Especially in long term relationships, when you think you know your lover so well, suddenly hearing something new about their sexual fantasies and desires can be

shocking.

Often, once this shock wears off it is easier to process and understand how this new disclosure fits into your idea of your lover. If you find yourself simply shocked, it may be smart to let it sink in for a few days before you discuss it in more detail or negotiate if you want to participate in this Desire or not.

This is especially true with those Desires that break our sexual scripts – which are exactly those Desires that may be most exciting and fulfilling to explore. Try to approach these disclosures with compassion and patience.

It is also essential to remember that adding new pleasures to the mix doesn’t mean anything is broken or anything is being taken away.

Our sexual repertoires can always benefit from expanding, and we all have the capacity to be more erotically creative!

Your husband’s Desire to be submissive and be spanked doesn’t take away his ability to be dominant – it just means you might take turns once in awhile, and gives you the opportunity to explore a new side of yourself.

If you find yourself stuck in the shock of your lover’s confessed Desire, take time to discuss specifics and get clear about what it means to them. Find out what
specifically they are turned on by instead of making it up in your own mind.

Don’t let your own imagination run away with their fantasy!

What Would Make It Even Better? Giving Useful Feedback

Want better sex? Then master the skill of giving great feedback. The only way for sex to get better and better over the years is through being able to share what worked and what could be improved.

It takes being on a team together, with the shared goal of optimizing your sex life.

While giving feedback, be considerate of your lover’s experience.

How feedback is received is often determined by how it is offered. Be deliberate in your wording.

Everyone wants to be a good lover – keep that in mind as you are learning new things together. Learning means getting vulnerable together, and you’ll want to build trust and resilience by communicating with compassion and kindness (while getting your point heard!)

Here are a few examples. Which would you rather hear?

“That pressure on my nipples felt amazing, could you try even harder next time?”

“I wish you would pinch my nipples harder, I could barely feel it”

“Fuck, that really hurt. I said harder, not as hard as you can!”

“You know, I was really loving it up to a point and then it got too intense. Maybe we could build up a little slower next time.”

“What, you think I’m your sex slave now, do it yourself!”

“As hot as last night was, you aren’t my boss right now dear!”

Be yourself and be honest- but be clear about what is a request vs. an accusation.

Good feedback does not blame or shame but instead involves making requests for next time that could make the experience even better. If you get in the habit of always checking in about this after an erotic encounter, time after time you will undoubtedly have a far better sex life over your lifetime.

Remember at all times your mutual goal is PLEASURE! So if it isn’t fun, hit the reset button and start over from the foundation of love between you.

One great place to start is “What did you enjoy most about that, and what would make it even better next time?”