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Ready for a more pleasurable erotic life?

Welcome to PleasureMechanics.com – some of you find us through search, and others are here because your best friend or sex therapist sent you. Either way, welcome.

We’re Chris and Charlotte, we’ve been the Pleasure Mechanics since meeting while pioneering the field of Sexological Bodywork, back in 2006. We are dedicated to creating effective resources so YOU can experience more pleasure, connection and erotic joy, on your own terms. Our online courses are trusted by over 16,000 pleasure seekers from all around the world. We’re glad you found us.

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This week Charlotte reads a listener’s email response to our last podcast, Episode 180 on How To Give A Handjob. He had lots to say about how we covered the topic last week. There is much to learn for men and women from this listener’s experience about receiving erotic massage. Also in this podcast Charlotte shares the most surprising thing she ever heard from an erotic massage client in all her years of giving professional erotic massage.

“Hi, just wanted to say I am SO grateful to hear you talk about honoring men’s sexuality in this podcast. As a man myself (I’m a guy named Kim), it feels so good to be understood by women and have my sexuality accepted… not just accepted, but something more, affirmed is a better word. From my experience, the kind of male genital massage you talked about in this podcast, really helps a man to feel sexually affirmed. Many men have such a difficult time with sex, and women don’t seem to understand that. From my own perspective, it seems that our culture has denigrated male sexuality and that does not help male/female relationships and only confuses things. Both men and women end up confused and misunderstanding each other. But we can help each other. There is something about a woman lovingly touching a man’s genitals to bring him to high states of  arousal–it has an emotional impact on a man, it touches him on a deep level, and he will be ever grateful for such an experience. Sometimes it can be more intimate than intercourse. I know my reaction is “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

 

I wish this sort of massage was legal so more men could experience it. (Charlotte’s note here: Yes! We couldn’t agree more. And that is why we teach this so that more people can have this experience at home with their lover!) I loved hearing about Charlotte’s previous work with men. I hope there are women out there who do this work in the same spirit as her. It must have been a wonderful for the men.

 

I’m sure you have plenty of feedback from men on what they think. I would like to toss in my two cents worth if that’s OK.

 

– Techniques are a place to start, but eventually, with practice, it will become intuitive.

 

– Some say that energetically, the way to a man’s heart is through his penis. Might be true, I don’t know, but men have a certain relationship with their penis, developed since they first discovered it as children. Certainly during teen years, a boy may often turn to his penis for comfort, pleasure, escape, relief from desire, you name it. He has mixed feelings about it. Guilt and shame are there, too. When a woman pays loving attention to his genitals, it means a lot to a man. A LOT.

 

– The whole key is to be in close touch with a man’s reaction to what you are doing. This makes it intimate because you get to know a man’s body and how he reacts. This makes him feel “seen”, understood, and touched more deeply than the body. It is the key to making it an emotional experience. When a man feels that a woman really knows and accepts his body, and knows how to take him to a highly aroused state, it deepens his connection to her, and the arousal goes even higher than when it’s just mechanical and the woman is not “present” or is oblivious to his reactions.

 

– Men should be vocal and physical in their responses to her touch. It helps her to know what’s working when touching him in a particularly arousing way. At first I had to consciously do this, and it really helps her to know what’s working…. she needs feedback, and it helps me enjoy her touch more fully.  Now it is natural for me.  Moan, say “ahhhhh”, “yes”, or “oh my god that’s good”. Men need to move their bodies and not just lie there motionless, catatonic. Move the hips, legs, and squirm in pleasure. Give her this feedback. Complement her afterwards, tell her how good it was, how good she is at this, and express your gratitude.

 

– Use what you know works for a man (and we are all somewhat different) but also try new touches, explore, and see how he reacts. Mix up the tried and true with something new.

 

– A whole body massage before the genital massage is also key. It relaxes him and activates the parasympathetic nervous system. He’s much more open and in touch with his body and sensations become heightened. I have had therapeutic (non-erotic) massages where toward the end, I was so relaxed and sensitive to touch, just massaging the palm of my hand started an erection! Over time, I believe it re-wires a man’s nervous system enabling his sexuality to be more full-bodied, rather than his usual genital focus.

 

– In a heightened, prolonged state of arousal a man is no longer “in his head” (as men often are) and is in a pure feeling state. A nice break!

 

– An orgasm after being in a prolonged high arousal state is a much fuller bodied experience, more deeply felt, has lingering effects. I have noticed that the kind of massage we are talking about leaves me energized, and still feeling a little erotic afterwards. The effect lasts several days. A quick genital masturbation often makes me feel drained of energy. Very noticeable difference and it must be healthier because of that.

 

– This helps men to learn how to enjoy just being aroused, without an urgent need to ejaculate. This needs to be learned through experience, such as what this podcast is about. A kind of re-wiring needs to take place. Often men have pressured a woman for sex because he is aroused and he just can’t tolerate it… some urgent need in him wants the orgasm. This can lead to a bad sexual relationship where the woman develops an aversion to sex (I speak from experience). Men’s masturbation habits contribute to this, I believe. It gets easier as a man ages, though.

 

– And lastly, we don’t have to be ashamed of getting an erection! For men who have had therapeutic massages, the “erection question” is often the elephant in the massage room. We worry about getting an erection. Will it happen?  Will she stop the massage and shame me? As a man who has had a number of therapeutic massages, I know it is on my mind the whole time. If I feel an erection starting (“oh no!”), I have to work at making it go away, lest it become obvious. It took me a while to find a massage therapist that would even discuss my worry (I tried to discuss my concern with one therapist and she literally left the room in disgust).  I just don’t want to worry about it the whole time. I  just wanted her to say, “Don’t worry about it. It happens. No big deal.” But with an erotic massage… what a relief to be massaged and an erection is a good thing! And the genitals are not hidden in shame but the whole body accepted. Every bit. What a relief!

 

This email is too long but I have thought about this a lot over the years, well decades actually, and there is no one else I know that I could share it with. Thank you again for including men and your understanding of men. So much work is now done with women’s sexuality, which is wonderful, but men are often left out. We are the other half in hetero relationships… shouldn’t we be included?

 

Thank you again (and again)!”

We love our listeners!

Thank you Kim for sharing your thoughts and perspectives!

If you want to explore mastering how to give your lover an erotic massage at home be sure to check out our Foreplay Mastery Course and our Couples Massage Course. They are designed so lovers can create exquisite erotic massage experiences for each other at home.

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At the time of recording it is Chris’s Birthday, so Charlotte thought she’d do an ode to Chris on her birthday. 

As some of you may know from our tell all episode, episode 100. I first met Chris as my sex teacher. I walked into the building and was greeted by her, she was this loving, beautiful, powerful presence. I saw her and thought “I love you”. but didn’t quite know what to do with that. She was teaching an in person sexuality class that I was attending. She was younger than most people in the large group of people she was teaching and yet the way she held the space, taught with such competence and confidence, eloquence and intelligence was just breathtaking. And then I saw her touch. And I was done. She was demonstrating some kind of massage, butt massage I think it was and the precision of her touch was beautiful. She was paying such exquisite attention to the body, demonstrating such care, focus and skill that I knew I wanted to be under those hands. Later, when I first saw her receive touch, she moved her body and used her voice in ways that I had never thought of or had given myself permission to. She moved her hips in circles, growled, howled, got guttural and expressed her voice in a very loud, free, inspiring way. For the record we didn’t talk much during the class, she had excellent boundaries and many many months later I asked her out.

When I met her she was 90 pounds heavier than she is now. I saw her across the room naked and she was so confident, so at ease in her body and it was entirely inspiring. In our culture fat women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies and to see her feel not only so comfortable, but feel sexy in her skin was profoundly moving.

As some of you know she has a very intense history of childhood, teen and adult sexual assault and seeing her courage and persistence in how she has moved through the trauma in her body is incredibly inspiring. All of her perpetrators were men and I am amazed at her generosity of spirit that she has forgiven them all. She always reminds others that people who commit sexual abuse and assault have almost always been victims themselves, and how much they must have been hurting to hurt others. It is also beautiful to me that after all that, she continues to feel such a deep commitment to serve and encourage men to embody all of their power in their sexuality.

Her commitment to our Pleasure Mechanics community drives so much of her life. She inspires me daily in her desire to share, educate and encourage you to experience the most pleasure, power and freedom you and your lover can possibly feel in your body. We started this business three months into dating, and her primary motivation for taking our teachings online was to reach as many people as possible through the power of technology. She wakes up every day at 5 am by choice so ready to serve people she’s never met, and gets giddy with excitement when we get email from people whose lives we’ve touched.

There are a thousand other qualities I adore about Chris, we’ve done 6 road trips across the country, driven up and down each coast of the states so many times I’ve lost track and after over 9 years spending everyday together we haven’t yet run out of things to talk about. She is the kind of person that after camping out under the stars, we get in the car to go find breakfast, and before coffee she asks me “do you believe in democracy?”. Her inquisitive, sharp mind, her open hearted spirit is ever inspiring and interesting to me. And I adore seeing her parent our daughter. It is just the best.

I am honored to be her wife, co-parent and co-conspirator in creating a more safe, more pleasurable and more connected experience of sexuality in this world. To many more pleasurable years ahead for us all. Happy birthday darling. 

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In this Just The Tip episode Charlotte talks about an idea presented in Dr. Marty Klein’s book Sexual Intelligence. The idea is that some of us deny experiencing certain pleasures not because of how they feel, but because of what that might mean about us.

This is an important idea to think about. Many of us have our own thoughts of what is and is not ok, decent or safe to do, and questioning those invisible assumptions that we all have is essential to an interesting fulfilling sex life that is actually yours. Meaning, most of the judgmental ideas we have integrated about what is normal and what is deviant and not ok for you to participate in are most often learned ideas that you have picked up from somewhere.

If you have any sexual activities that you think are not ok for you to participate in consider why. As Klein said there are two main reasons, one is that you are really just not interested in the activity which is totally fine. Having sexual boundaries is a fine and healthy thing, some activities may just not appeal right now (you have a lifetime of sex ahead so be open to the idea that your interests may change over time depending on your stages of life). The other reason for not being interested in certain sexual activities is because it MEANS something about you.

If you have any sexual activities that are off limits for you because a perceived meaning, think about where you learned that moral judgement. Who told you that it was wrong and whose morality are you trying to maintain? Most often it is your mother, father, grandparents, church or friends. And realize that you are essentially bringing them to bed with you and letting your perception of how they will judge you determine what you will and will not do in bed. You need to decide if that is what you want. Again, having boundaries and interests in bed is fine and healthy, but just have them come from you, rather than an outside arbitrary source of judgement. And know that you are lovable and desirable no matter how basic or wild and weird your sexual desires are. So often at the core of only doing what you perceive as normal and “right” is the fear that if we do something outside of that we will become unlovable and worthless as a human and of course no one wants that so we stay within very narrow limits. Challenge that idea and know that at a fundamental level you are lovable no matter what you are or are not into.

This process an important step in creating a sexuality that is yours. It is part of a sexuality detox, kicking imaginary voices out of your bed, and deciding what kind of sex YOU want to have. It is key to you having more freedom, pleasure and joy in bed. And we, The Pleasure Mechanics, want that for you.