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Spontaneous Sex

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Spontaneous Sex: Free Podcast Episode Want more spontaneous sex? Turns out, you may have to let go of the myth of spontaneous sex. This is just one of the paradoxical insights about desire and domesticity from sex therapist Esther Perel.

In this passage from Mating In Captivity, Esther unpacks the myth of spontaneous sex and invites us into a more conscious relationship with desire and erotic initiation.

Get the audiobook of Mating In Captivity for FREE with your free trial from Audible.com

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237 Reasons To Have Sex

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237 Reasons To Have Sex. Free Podcast

Science says there are 237 reasons to have sex. What are your top reasons?

Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss published their study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a highly regarded academic journal about sexuality. They believe this list is the most comprehensive list of sexual motivations ever compiled.

The full list of 237 reasons is below. Use it to inventory your own motivations for sex and reflect on which motivations best align with your values.

Dr. Buss and Dr. Meston created a taxonomy with four general categories:

Physical
Goal Attainment
Emotional
Insecurity

Full Study Here

Here is the full list of 237 Reasons To Have Sex:

1. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment.’’
2. It just happened.
3. I was bored.
4. It just seemed like ‘‘the thing to do.’’
5. Someone dared me.
6. I desired emotional closeness “(i.e.,” intimacy).
7. I wanted to feel closer to God.
8. I wanted to gain acceptance from my friends.
9. It’s “exciting,” adventurous.
10. I wanted to make up after a fight.
11. I wanted to get rid of aggression.
12. I was under the influence of drugs.
13. I wanted to have something to tell my friends.
14. I wanted to express my love for the person.
15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
16. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
17. I felt like I owed it to the person.
18. I was attracted to the person.
19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
21. It feels good.
22. My partner kept insisting.
23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.
24. I was physically forced to.
25. I was verbally coerced into it.
26. I wanted the person to love me.
27. I wanted to have a child.
28. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
29. I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
30. I was married and you’re supposed to.
31. I was tired of being a virgin.
32. I was ‘‘horny.’’
33. I wanted to feel loved.
34. I was feeling lonely.
35. Everyone else was having sex.
36. I wanted the attention.
37. It was easier to ‘‘go all the way’’ than to stop.
38. I wanted to ensure the relationship was ‘‘committed.’’
39. I was competing with someone else to ‘‘get the person.’’
40. I wanted to ‘‘gain control’’ of the person.
41. I was curious about what the person was like in bed.
42. I was curious about sex.
43. I wanted to feel attractive.
44. I wanted to please my partner.
45. I wanted to display submission.
46. I wanted to release anxiety/stress.
47. I didn’t know how to say ‘‘no.’’
48. I felt like it was my duty.
49. I wanted to end the relationship.
50 My friends pressured me into it.
51. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
52. I wanted the experience.
53. I felt obligated to.
54. It’s fun.
55. I wanted to get even with someone “(i.e.,” get revenge).
56. I wanted to be popular.
57. It would get me gifts.
58. I wanted to act out a fantasy.
59. I hadn’t had sex for a while.
60. The person was ‘‘available.’’
61. I didn’t want to ‘‘lose’’ the person.
62. I thought it would help ‘‘trap’’ a new partner.
63. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
64. I felt sorry for the person.
65. I wanted to feel powerful.
66. I wanted to ‘‘possess’’ the person.
67. I wanted to release tension.
68. I wanted to feel good about myself.
69. I was slumming.
70. I felt rebellious.
71. I wanted to intensify my relationship.
72. It seemed like the natural next step.
73. I wanted to be nice.
74. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
75. I wanted to feel young.
76. I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me.
77. I wanted him/her to stop bugging me about sex.
78. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
79. I wanted the person to feel good about themselves.
80. I didn’t want to disappoint the person.
81. I was trying to ‘‘get over’’ an earlier person/relationship.
82. I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation.
83. I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.
84. I felt guilty.
85. My hormones were out of control.
86. It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.
87. It became a habit.
88. I wanted to keep my partner happy.
89. I had no self-control.
90. I wanted to communicate at a deeper level.
91. I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t have sex with him/her.
92. I was curious about my sexual abilities.
93. I wanted a ‘‘spiritual’’ experience.
94. It was just part of the relationship ‘‘routine’’.
95. I wanted to lose my inhibitions.
96. I got ‘‘carried away.’’
97. I needed another ‘‘notch on my belt.’’
98. The person demanded that I have sex with him/her.
99. The opportunity presented itself.
100. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned “(e.g.,” on marijuana or some other drug).
101. It’s considered ‘‘taboo’’ by society.
102. I wanted to increase the number of sex partners I had experienced.
103. The person was too ‘‘hot’’ (sexy) to resist.
104. I thought it would relax me.
105. I thought it would make me feel healthy.
106. I wanted to experiment with new experiences.
107. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.
108. I thought it would help me to fall asleep.
109. I could brag to other people about my sexual experience.
110. It would allow me to ‘‘get sex out of my system’’ so that I could focus on other things.
111. I wanted to decrease my partner’s desire to have sex with someone else.
112. It would damage my reputation if I said ‘‘no.’’
113. The person was too physically attractive to resist.
114. I wanted to celebrate something.
115. I was seduced.
116. I wanted to make the person feel better about themselves.
117. I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex.
118. I wanted to see whether sex with a different partner would feel different or better.
119. I was mad at my “partner,” so I had sex with someone else.
120. I wanted to fulfill a previous promise to my partner.
121. It was expected of me.
122. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
123. I wanted the pure pleasure.
124. I wanted to dominate the other person.
125. I wanted to make a conquest.
126. I’m addicted to sex.
127. It was a favor to someone.
128. I wanted to be used or degraded.
129. Someone offered me money to do it.
130. I was drunk.
131. It seemed like good exercise.
132. I was pressured into doing it.
133. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.
134. I was frustrated and needed relief.
135. It was a romantic setting.
136. I felt insecure.
137. My regular partner is “boring,” so I had sex with someone else.
138. I was on the ‘‘rebound’’ from another relationship.
139. I wanted to boost my self-esteem.
140. I wanted to get my partner to stay with me.
141. Because of a bet.
142. It was a special occasion.
143. I wanted to get a special favor from someone.
144. I wanted to get back at my partner for having cheated on me.
145. I wanted to enhance my reputation.
146. I wanted to keep warm.
147. I wanted to punish myself.
148. I wanted to break up a rival’s relationship by having sex with his/her partner.
149. I wanted to stop my partners’ nagging.
150. I wanted to impress friends.
151. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
152. I wanted to brag to my friends about my conquests.
153. I wanted to improve my sexual skills.
154. I wanted to get a job.
155. I wanted to get a raise.
156. I wanted to get a promotion.
157. I wanted to satisfy a compulsion.
158. I wanted to make money.
159. I wanted to keep my partner satisfied.
160. I wanted to change the topic of conversation.
161. I wanted to get out of doing something.
162. I wanted to test my compatibility with a new partner.
163. I wanted to get a partner to express love.
164. I wanted to put the passion back into my relationship.
165. I wanted to prevent a breakup.
166. I wanted to become one with another person.
167. I wanted to get a favor from someone.
168. I wanted to breakup my relationship.
169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease “(e.g.,” “herpes,” AIDS).
170. I wanted to breakup another’s relationship.
171. I wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
172. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself.
173. I wanted to get rid of a headache.
174. I was afraid to say ‘‘no’’ due to the possibility of physical harm.
175. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
176. I wanted to burn calories.
177. I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner.
178. I wanted to hurt an enemy.
179. I wanted to feel older.
180. I wanted to raise my self-esteem.
181. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
182. I wanted to become more focused on work – sexual thoughts are distracting.
183. I wanted to say ‘‘I’ve missed you.’’
184. I wanted to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or special occasion.
185. I wanted to say ‘‘I’m sorry.’’
186. I wanted to return a favor.
187. I wanted to say ‘‘Thank you.’’
188. I wanted to welcome someone home.
189. I wanted to say ‘‘goodbye.’’
190. I wanted to defy my parents.
191. I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.
192. I wanted to relieve ‘‘blue balls.’’
193. I wanted to get the most out of life.
194. I wanted to feel feminine.
195. I wanted to feel masculine.
196. I am a sex addict.
197. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.
198. I thought it would boost my social status.
199. The person had a lot of money.
200. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
201. The person was a good dancer.
202. Someone had told me that this person was good in bed.
203. The person had beautiful eyes.
204. The person made me feel sexy.
205. An erotic movie had turned me on.
206. The person had taken me out for an expensive dinner.
207. The person was a good kisser.
208. The person had bought me jewelry.
209. The person had a great sense of humor.
210. The person seemed self-confident.
211. The person really desired me.
212. The person was really desired by others.
213. I wanted to gain access to that person’s friend.
214. I felt jealous.
215. The person flattered me.
216. I wanted to see if I could get the other person into bed.
217. The person had a desirable body.
218. I had not had sex in a long time.
219. The person smelled nice.
220. The person had an attractive face.
221. I saw the person naked and could not resist.
222. I was turned on by the sexual conversation.
223. The person was intelligent.
224. The person caressed me.
225. The person wore revealing clothes.
226. The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of them.
227. I knew the person was usually ‘‘out of my league.’’
228. The person was mysterious.
229. I realized I was in love.
230. I wanted to forget about my problems.
231. I wanted to reproduce.
232. I wanted to feel loved.
233. I wanted my partner to notice me.
234. I wanted to help my partner forget about their problems.
235. I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.
236. I wanted to submit to my partner.
237. I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.

Bonobo Sex and You

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Here’s what you need to know about women watching bonobo sex, and how it can affect your sex life.

There is a fascinating study from Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor at Queen’s University in Ontario,Canada. She is a highly regarded scientist and a member of the editorial board of the world’s leading journal of sexual research, Archives of Sexual Behavior.

In her study women were attached to a machine that tracked their vaginal arousal (through engorgement of blood and moisture seeping through the vaginal walls), and it showed that these women were indeed aroused by watching bonobo monkeys have sex. But when questioned, the women reported they were not aroused. In the same study, straight, gay and bisexual women all appeared to show arousal at watching videos of gay men having sex, straight intercourse, lesbian sex and naked women doing calisthenics.

The genitals of the volunteers were connected to plethysmographs. For the men it is an apparatus that fits over the penis and gauges its swelling. For the women they use a little plastic probe that sits in the vagina and, by bouncing light off the vaginal walls, measures genital blood flow. An engorgement of blood spurs a lubricating process called vaginal transudation: the seeping of moisture through the walls. The participants were also given a keypad so that they could rate how aroused they felt.

They reported in each account experiencing less desire than their body’s responses showed (except in the case of straight women watching heterosexual sex where they reported more arousal than measured.)

One of the conclusion of the study were that women are not recognizing arousal in their body because of so many cultural filters and judgements that intercept the arousal pathway from the vagina to the head.

The judgment of what is acceptable sexuality and makes a woman a “good girl” versus a ” bad girl” is so profoundly internalized. Body and sexual shaming is so prevalent at every turn that it is entirely possible women have stopped hearing their body’s cues of arousal. Any stirrings of arousal are put through a rigorous internalized cultural lens of judgement. In judging arousal we extinguish it.

Straight men hooked up to a similar test showed arousal while watching women having sex together and straight intercourse but experienced no arousal when watching bonobos or gay men together.

Gay men experienced no arousal watching women or bonobos but plenty of arousal watching men be sexual together. They reported what their body’s responded to accurately.

Some might say that men have an external barometer of their own erection, so it is easy to notice whether they are turned on or not and that makes it easier to recognize their own arousal honestly. Men also live in a culture that supports their sexuality. We must take into account that we live in a culture where men being sexual makes them a stud, which gains them social status and they are seen as having increased value when sexual.

The same behavior in women may gain her the title of “slut” instead, and with that judgement comes the idea that a woman’s value has decreased. Growing up in a culture that asserts, subtly and overtly, that being sexual can decrease your value as a human can lead to a woman distrusting, shutting off and suppressing her own sexual arousal for fear of the social consequences acting on it could incur for her.

What I love about this study is the idea that perhaps women are really turned on by a huge variety of sexual stimulus, and they just don’t identify it.

Perhaps it is not that it is “harder for women to get turned on” as we tend to believe, but that it is just harder for women to accept that we are turned on.

The quest for women of navigating the neural pathways of desire from between her legs, to her mind, then accepting it, owning it and expressing it is certainly a long and winding path that she can allow or block.

It is powerful to think that maybe women’s bodies and minds are not always unified, not through any fault of their own but due to hundreds of years of conditioning about what they are supposed to feel or do in order to be deemed valuable by others.

What is incredibly important about these findings is that we understand that as women, we don’t fully know what we are turned on by.

If we arm ourselves with this information we could choose to start a new era of connecting with our bodies. If we bring a spirit of total curiosity to our body and life and pay exquisite attention to our physical responses and begin to recognize when we get turned on and when arousal occurs between our legs instead of just allowing what we permit ourselves to be turned on by we could make more space for our vast erotism to breathe a little more freely and ultimately thrive.

Of course feeling arousal does not mean we have to act on our arousal, it just means we are aroused. We still have lots of choice about what we do with it.

It is unlikely that any of the women wanted to have sex with bonobos but that watching something so similar to human sex merely made them feel sexual.

We must begin to soften our own internalized judgment or practice holding other people’s values about our sexuality at bay long enough that we can begin to hear our body’s call over our minds opinions long enough to recognize our own arousal.

Only then can the lock of the constraints of cultural shaming begins to loosen.

That is when the distance from our own wetness to our hearts and minds becomes a direct pathway, dripping in compassion for ourselves.

Know that the maps of your desire are still to be written, explored and discovered.

They begin to be uncovered only by us, in the privacy of our own body, as we pay attention to our quickening pulse.

Your challenge this week, man or woman, is to become an explorer, trying on the idea that you don’t know fully what you are turned on by.

Try to really notice your body’s signs of arousal. It could show up for you as a slight flutter of sensation or an increase in heat between your legs, your heart rate could increase, there may be a catch of your breath or there may be a whole other range of micro moments of sensation for you to be on the lookout for.

Pay attention for moments out in the world or with your partner when you feel any of these moments and begin to notice when you get turned on, even when it surprises you. If you experience judgement anytime about your desires, just flood yourself with compassion and understanding. Everytime you let yourself feel desire you are overturning hundreds of years of shaming, and that is a courageous act.

There is more about this study in a New York Times article here.

Mutual Masturbation

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Mutual masturbation is not a very inspiring term, but the activity it describes can set your sex life aflame.

The term mutual masturbation can describe two different sex acts. Some people use it to describe masturbating alongside one another, while others use the term to mean stimulating your lover with your hands. Both of these activities are worth exploring for their unique thrills.

If you are bored with sex or just looking for something new to shake things up, try both forms of mutual masturbation! Let’s break both types down and discover why they are such pleasurable paths to mutual bliss.

Mutual Masturbation As Simultaneous Masturbation:

For most of us, masturbation is an intensely private activity. The idea of masturbating in front of your lover probably feels scary, and that is precisely why it can be so hot. Anytime you get vulnerable with your lover you create an erotic charge that can spike your arousal and bring you closer.

An added bonus? Masturbating in front of your lover shows them exactly how you touch yourself to reach orgasm, and they can use that knowledge when it is their turn to stimulate you.

Here are a few steps to explore mutual masturbation:

Masturbate alongside one another in the dark! With the lights out you won’t be so self conscious, freeing you to enjoy the charge of this new sex act. You’ll get to hear your lover’s breath and moans of pleasure. Don’t underestimate how hot this form of sex with the lights out might be!
When you are ready, masturbate in full sight of one another. As you touch yourself, watch your lover intently, creating a circuit of arousal without ever touching one another. Agree ahead of time that you won’t lay a finger on one another. The desire will be there, and forbidden fruit tastes all the sweeter.
For an added thrill, lock eyes and maintain eye contact while you orgasm. This is one of the most intimate moments you can share.
You can also make mutual masturbation a power play game. As your lover masturbates, give them orders. Tell them what you want to see. Forbid them to climax until you give permission. This is a great exercise in erotic communication and it can be a lot of fun to be in control of your lover’s every stroke.

Mutual Masturbation As Hand Sex:

Getting your lover off with just your hands is a thrilling, empowering and revolutionary act! This act is also called “handjobs” and “fingering” or even “erotic massage” but none of these terms come close to describing how amazing this experience can be.

Here’s the deal: your hands are one of the most dexterous, sensitive part of your body. When used to stimulate your lover, they can create sensations that you can’t create in any other way. For men, a handjob can prolong arousal and unlock male multiple orgasms. For women, direct clitoral stimulation is the key to orgasms and is an essential way to get aroused before sex. So if you haven’t mastered the art of hand sex, now is the time to get started! Here’s how:

Take turns! Hand sex is best when you focus on one person’s arousal at a time. One of you gets to relax and focus exclusively on getting highly aroused, while the other focuses all of their attention on creating maximum pleasure.
Master the skills of hand sex. There are dozens of unique ways to use your hands to stimulate your lover’s most sensitive parts. Don’t settle for a simple stroke. When you are ready, check out our Foreplay Mastery Course and get all the tools you need to master this skill in the privacy of your own home, at your own pace.
Expand Your Erotic Repertoire. Hand sex can be an amazing part of foreplay, but it can also be a sexual event on it’s own. If one of you isn’t in the mood for full on sex, explore mutual masturbation as a great alternative to intercourse. You’ll both end up saying “yes” way more often, which will allow your sex life to flourish over time.

Mutual masturbation is a dull name for two great sex acts. Don’t let the name stand in your way! Explore both versions of mutual masturbation, and your sexual horizons will be expanded.

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