Pleasure Mechanics

How To Strip Dance For Yourself

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Strip Dance For Yourself :: Free Podcast Episode

How To Strip Dance – For Yourself!

Charlotte on Sheila Kelley’s S Factor Strip Dance Practice: 

What I love about Sheila Kelley’s work is that she has developed a safe, pleasurable practice that guides women in cultivating and activating feeling sexy through teaching women how to strip and pole dance.

During her in-person stripping classes you do movements in a room with other women. There are no mirrors and the room is flooded with candlelight. She follows the idea that you practice being in your erotic body for yourself first and then later choose to share your sexiness with your lover or not.

This is a philosophy that here at the Pleasure Mechanics we wholeheartedly believe in. I have one of her teaching videos, and Chris and I went to a class in LA, and I really like her teaching. In a field where there are a lot of fakers, I consider what I know of her work the real deal.

In our culture we aren’t taught how to feel sexy or sensual in our bodies. We are bombarded with how to look sexy through the marketing of a million products but how to feel sexy is often confusing for women as if you aren’t feeling it, feeling sexy can feel unreachable sometimes. I believe feeling sexy has to come from feeling good in our body, no matter what size we are, no matter what we look like. And that we can cultivate practices and ways of being in the world so we know how to feel sexy when we want to. I find dance and movement to be an essential tool in this, and Sheila is teaching a particular path.

I love this phrase about getting into a state where you can follow your own “physical and sensual intuition”, this is important I think. It is a state that I love to be in. I have developed ease at getting into this state by giving massage and dancing for thousands of hours in my lifetime. It is a state where you learn to pay attention to your body’s intuition, your inner cues of how to move next and then follow that until you get your next direction from your body’s intuition. Cultivating this inner knowing is an important part of feeling sexy. Dancing and moving is a wonderful, fun, safe pathway to activating this body intuition and cultivating the state of feeling sexy privately.

I believe so much of women’s power is stored in our hips. When we move the hips we unlock chronic tension so more blood and energy flow can reach this magical, mysterious part of our body. The waking up of this area can make us feel more alive, feel more sexual pleasure and make our orgasms feel stronger and better.

There are a couple of challenges for you this week depending on your level of interest.

One option is to put a song on in the privacy of your own home and circle your hips and see how it feels in your body.

Hip circles are essential for unlocking tension in your hips and is a wonderful easy, accessible practice for all of us women to do.

Do hip circles for the entire song, or do that movement until your body tells you it wants to do another move. Follow that. Just experiment with one song, then do more if you feel like it. This is one step towards beginning to listen to your physical and sensual intuition.

Another option is to watch the videos below of everyday women who practice S Factor dancing and stripping with a pole and see how graceful, beautiful and powerful it can look and feel.

S Factor has retreats and classes in a few cities in the States. If you are brave and have the resources I recommend going and trying them. Or try getting one of their videos. Either way I hope you explore dancing as a fun, safe way to connect to your body’s intuition and your own sexiness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLL6yH0PoYQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs35-rHdKaQ

The Kivin Method of Cunnilingus

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The Kivin Method of Cunnilingus : Free Podcast Episode

A member of our community asked us about The Kivin Method cunnilingus technique.

In this week’s podcast, we review this technique and share what makes it work and what is just fluff.

So tune in (hit the play button at the top of this page!) and hear what makes this cunnilingus technique work – and join in our experiment to test some of it’s more questionable suggestions! Be a part of debunking (or proving!) this internet-famous oral sex position.

Ready to master Oral Artistry? Join our online course for an immersive exploration of oral pleasure for ALL bodies.

The Kivin Method Of Cunnilingus

No one knows where the Kivin method came from – most likely early internet forums, and the rest is urban legend.

Here are the full classic instructions for The Kivin Method (with Pleasure Mechanics commentary following!) We have updated the classic instructions replacing “man” and “woman” with “giver” and “receiver”

Kivin Method of Cunnilingus

    • The giver lies perpendicular to the receiver at a 90-degree angle to their hip (put your face at a right angle to their pussy, rather than “head on”) 
    • The giver uses a back-and-forth tongue stroke over the hood of the clitoris. Givers who have practiced this technique have said that when the receivers is aroused, they can feel two bumps on either side of the clitoral hood that feel like half grains of rice. These are the “K points” (when the clitoris is aroused and erect, it swells! Keep in mind here that the clitoris is the anatomical match to the head of the penis. So when erect, both reveal different textures and push nerve endings closer to surface)
    • The C point is how to get immediate feedback from the receiver that you are in the right place. The giver places their middle finger on the perineum, the C point, which is the muscular smooth area between the vagina and anus. Make sure your nails are short and that she can only feel your finger pad, not your nail.
    • The reason you will get immediate feedback is when your tongue is stroking in the correct place, the woman will experience involuntary, preorgasmic contractions in this area. (The entire pelvic muscles contract and expand during arousal, the perineum is just one great place you can feel it and respond to it!)
    • Your finger doesn’t move; it stays still, because if you do move your finger you may move her concentration from the clitoral hood area to the perineum (Perineal massage is actually AMAZING and can be a compliment to the oral stimulation of the clitoris. This is just one more tool in your approach at stimulating the entire sexual system. In all bodies the perineum is an amazing spot for stimulation. We offer a full suite of perineal massage techniques in the Foreplay Mastery Course)
    • By reading the recipient’s body, you will be able to maintain correct tongue placement without wondering, “Am I there? Where is there? Have I moved from there?” (Don’t stress too much about “correct tongue placement” as you will relax into it and your tongue and face will know how to move with and respond to your partner’s arousal!)
    • Once you have started, don’t stop. Continue past their initial orgasmic response, as often this stimulation is the most intense and satisfying portion of the orgasm. (Stop when they pushes your head away, grips your head and holds you still or bucks wildly away from you. Read their cues and ride it out together. And learn how to ride from orgasm to orgasm to explore multiple orgasms together!)
  • Some couples have added a position adjustment: The receiver curls their legs up to their chest and the giver uses their arm to keep them pushed back and stabilized. In this way, the giver is very widely spread open and can receive even more intense stimulation. (Try lots of different oral sex positions! Facesitting anyone?)

The Kivin Method of Cunnilingus is just one more approach to experiment with together – what matters is finding the ways you love to play, bring one another lots of pleasure and explore high states of arousal. Don’t get stressed about any one technique or position – your two bodies need to fit together, as they are right now. Use pillows and props for added comfort. And remember that often it is the emotional blocks and distractions that get in the way of female pleasure, not the guy’s willingness to flick his tongue in the right spot (but great technique goes a long way, no doubt!)

Want more strategies to maximize female arousal and orgasm? Check out our Foreplay Mastery Course – here is what a few of our couples had to say about the course:

Prohibited Sex

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Prohibited Sex :: Free Podcast Episode

Michel Foucault is a French philosopher, and considered by many to be the founding voice of Queer Theory.

His last major work was a multi volume series on The History Of Sexuality, and the primary objective is to examine the relationship between power and discourse. Discourse means the formal way we talk about a subject and the way that language creates meaning and action in the world.

Here Foucault describes the intention of The History of Sexuality: “The object, in short, is to define the regime of power-knowledge-pleasure that sustains the discourse on human sexuality in our part of the world”

Foucault challenges the idea that sexuality has simply been repressed, and introduces much more complex ideas about how power and sexuality interact in our culture. He calls this the “polymorphous techniques of power.”

In this book, Foucault describes the principal features of how we traditionally think about the relationship between sex and power.

One of these features is what he calls the cycle of prohibition, which describes how the threat of punishment maintains a silence around sexuality.

The cycle of prohibition:

“Thou shalt not go near, thou shalt not touch, thou shalt not consume, thou shalt not experience pleasure, thou shalt not speak, thou shalt not show thyself; ultimately thou shalt not exist, except in darkness and secrecy. To deal with sex, power employs nothing more than a law of prohibition. Its objective; that sex renounce itself. Its instrument; the threat of a punishment that is nothing other that the suppression of sex. Renounce yourself or suffer the penalty of being suppressed; do not appear if you do not want to disappear. Your existence will be maintained only at the cost of your nullification. Power constrains sex only through a taboo that plays on the alternative between two nonexistences” – The History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault

The challenge here is to remember that the cycle of prohibition doesn’t come from on high. It is not the law or the church that perpetuate this cycle, it is a more diffuse web of power, that we each participate in every day. Prohibiting sexual expression and sexual pleasure is entangled with our ideas of self-worth, the value of pleasure, our relationship to the body and to eroticism at large.

What are your “thou shalt not” thoughts? How do you invisibly punish yourself, or restrain your actions under threat of punishment?

We all occupy a position of power in our culture – which shifts all the time. Influenced by race, gender, class, education, physical appearance, and many other factors. How are you using your power when you discuss the sexualities of others? What do you prohibit or permit?

Anti-Porn Vs. Sex Positive Feminism

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Anti Porn Vs. Sex Positive Feminism

This week, the sex education community lost a beloved member, Candida Royalle. A true pioneer and leader in the field, Candida was also a dear friend and inspiring mentor for many of us.

We, The Pleasure Mechanics, owe everything we do to the legacy of Candida Royalle and the other pioneers of sex positive feminism.

It is essential to understand the history of the sex positive feminist movement to fully grasp Royalle’s contribution to sex culture as we know it.

In the 1970’s, a debate began brewing amongst feminist thinkers and activists. This debate escalated into what is known as the feminist sex wars or porn wars. On one side were anti-porn feminists and on the other, sex positive feminists.

For many years, most feminist theory took a decidedly anti-sex stance on issues of pornography, prostitution, sadomasochism and even private sexual relationships. In response to thousands of years of sexual oppression, the first feminist response was to shut down sexuality all together, especially commercial sexuality like the pornography industry. It was suggested that celibacy and androgyny were logical solutions to the exploitation of sexuality. The U.S. anti-pornography movement was formalized with the founding of Women Against Violence in Pornography and Media in 1977 and the first Take Back The Night march in 1978. Feminist thinkers Andrea Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon drafted several documents calling for the criminalization of pornography. Robin Morgan stated the core belief as “”pornography is the theory, rape is the practice” and many anti-porn feminists declared that all sex was based on male violence.

In the late 1970’s another voice began to rise and assert that sexuality could be a positive force for women’s liberation. This camp, which included the pioneers of the sex positive movement, focused on the importance of free speech and expression for all women, including those who wanted to express themselves as sexual beings. Sex positive feminism arose from the idea that women’s bodies and choices belonged to women themselves and shouldn’t be controlled by the morality of anyone else, including other women.

When it came to pornography, sex positive feminists boldly claimed that the solution was not no pornography but rather better porn. They challenged the idea that all sexuality was patriarchal and violent by nature, and instead started talking about female pleasure, orgasm and masturbation. They began educational circles where women discussed sexuality and learned about sexual pleasure. Betty Dodson spearheaded teaching women about masturbating, while other women took up activism around lesbianism and sadomasochism. In the early 80’s a group of women in New York City started thinking about how to bring their feminist and sex positive values to the pornography industry. These women included Candida Royalle and Annie Sprinkle.

The clash between these two groups were intense. Anti-porn feminists would stage demonstrations and protests outside of feminist conferences and theaters showing pornography, and the attacks often got deeply personal.

Clearly, we here at Pleasure Mechanics identify more with the sex positive feminist camp, and are in a direct lineage with these early pioneers. But all of the questions about the role of porn, prostitution and commercial sexuality are just as relevant today and there are no easy answers. We must continue to have conversations and explore what the future of these industries might look like with the highest good of all humans in the forefront of our minds.

Candida-Royalle

Candida Royalle was part of that small group of women who began exploring the notion of feminist pornography in the 80’s. She performed in about 25 films over five years before retiring from performing and taking her place behind the camera as a producer and director. Her goal was to create couple’s friendly porn that women would enjoy watching. Remember, she was the first to explore this genre, which today is a huge industry. The industry at the time laughed at her, and she struggled to find distribution for her films. Yet she persisted, creating films that emphasized foreplay, romance, women’s pleasure and authentic depictions of female orgasm. In 1984 Royalle started Femme Productions, considered by many to be the first feminist porn production studio. Later, she turned her gaze on the sex toy industry and created the first line of sex toys designed to be ergonomic and women friendly, called Natural Contours. Both her couple’s pornography and ergonomic sex toys are now widely copied throughout the industry. In 1992 she was a founding member of  Feminists for Free Expression.

Candida Royalle was a visionary and it is only because her ideas have been so widely adopted that we can easily forget her contributions. The core ideas of porn that couples can enjoy together, porn that depicts authentic women’s pleasure, films that take time to build up to a climax other than the “money shot” are all Candida’s contributions to the sex positive media movement. Meanwhile, her writing and educational efforts contributed just as much to the efforts to teach about female sexual pleasure and emphasize sexuality as a positive, healthy force in our lives. For her contributions we all must be grateful.

One of Candida Royalle’s best friends and collaborators is Annie Sprinkle. They were both part of Club 90, a feminist porn star support group that brought together the core group of sex positive feminists in friendship and mutual support.

Annie’s story is the subject of an entire discussion, but for us personally is important to mention here. I met Annie through my sex positive work at Vassar College, and she generously invited me to come work with her in San Francisco. So I eagerly drove cross country and rang her doorbell. She welcomed me with open arms, and eventually introduced me to her dear friend Joseph Kramer, who gave me my first job after college. Joe was the founder of the Body Electric School, which formalized the practice of erotic massage. Joe sent me to massage school, where I learned both traditional massage and erotic massage, and we collaborated on my first sex education video projects. I also helped him develop  and teach the Sexological Bodywork program at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, which is eventually where I met Charlotte. Meanwhile, I continued to work with Annie Sprinkle on various projects and we remain friends to this day. Our work here at Pleasure Mechanics is part of direct lineage from the earliest pioneers of sex positive feminism, and we are grateful for all those who laid the tracks before us. We hope to continue their legacy of creating a more positive and pleasurable sex culture for us all.

Lust, Love and Attachment: Helen Fisher on The Nature of Love

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Lust, Love and Attachment :: Free Podcast Episode

In this podcast, leading love researcher shares the difference between lust, love and attachment. She uncovers the nature of these three different circuits associated with love and challenges our assumptions about “happily ever after” relationships. Hit the “play” button above to reveal the truth about how humans are wired for lust, love and attachment. Check out Helen Fisher’s book Why We Love for more on the nature of love.

This podcast challenges our notions of what is normal and natural in love.

We have concrete scientific evidence here from a well respected researcher that your relationship isn’t broken if the mutual passion has waned. In fact there is some biological inevitability that this will happen over time. Additionally there is nothing wrong with you if you feel passion for a coworker even though you love your partner. It is scientifically confirmed that lust and romance are not the same. So is it really ok if you feel love for your partner and intense attraction for another?

What matters is what you choose to do about having any kind of feelings outside of your primary relationship. This is up to you and your ethics, values and ideals, but having the feelings is very natural and normal. To have feelings for someone other than whom you are technically devoted to does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it is just how we humans are wired.

So many of us feel tortured by this reality of experiencing different levels of passion or excitement for different people at various points in our lives. What happens if we didn’t see these feelings as problematic but made peace with what is and then go on and decide on the choices you want to make. My hope is some of you will experience a bit more freedom within yourself so you can be more present with enjoying your erotic life instead of wishing for something else.

We have spoken in other podcasts about how to keep long term relationships exciting. We emphasize that you need to keep life interesting by doing new stimulating things together in and out of the bedroom. We will fully admit that we love reading the same advice we give regularly in this highly respected author’s book. We think we all need to keep hearing this hopeful, practical piece of advice until we are really putting it into action.

Our challenge to you this week if you are in a long term relationship where excitement has waned a bit (or if you wish to take preventative steps!) is to consider what kind of excitement and novelty will you introduce into your relationship to increase your excitement in life, and thus with each other.

Remember if you want to explore novelty in the bedroom check out our erotic mastery courses. These online, multimedia courses guide you in mastering new erotic skills to experience more orgasmic pleasure, skill and confidence.