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This podcast features an excerpt from Ecstasy Is Necessary by Barbara Carrellas

Pleasure Mechanic Charlotte writes:

We all crave ecstasy, whether or not we acknowledge it or name it that way. We each crave peak high experiences in life, and frankly I believe feel a bit bland if we don’t experience these moments in life. I believe when we honor the fact that we do indeed crave and want peak, awesome, ecstatic moments we can be more mindful about intentionally crafting them for ourselves and those around us.

Each one of us finds our ecstasy in different ways, from different sources, and we each have to be explorers to figure out what makes us feel awesome. And then it is up to us to try and create more of those experiences. If we don’t, we often seek out “faux ecstasies” as Barbara calls them, these toxic mimics that don’t truly satisfy our desires for these highs whether that is overeating, over using drugs or whatever your particular vice may be.

Giving yourself permission to enjoy what makes you really happy, feel pleasure or even ecstasy is an essential skill to develop for a fulfilling life. And we know from watching hundreds of people make changes in their life, and now science is supporting this idea that the more you feel pleasure, the easier it is to feel, the quicker and bigger the response is in your body. So slowly, choice by choice allowing yourself to feel more pleasure in life will allow you to feel more ecstasy in bed. Guaranteed.

Now, what makes you feel ecstatic? For me right now in my life it’s moving my body outside in the woods, hills or by rivers, giving and receiving erotic massage, eating gorgeous (rich, buttery!) food with people I love, having dance parties, stretching, cuddling, dancing and laughing with my daughter and wife. And I make time for these kinds of activities, in fact my life is filled mostly with these activities and I eliminate as much other stuff as possible so I make sure I have time for these ecstatic life pleasures. It makes me enjoy my life. And I’m certain my orgasms are all the stronger for it!

What lights you up, what makes you feel like you are living the most awesome life. If you are not sure, explore, figure it out and then do more of it, and watch your orgasms come quicker and harder. And then tell us about it.

And of course if you want support in having your orgasms be stronger and more ecstatic, be sure to check out our Foreplay Mastery Online Course, it gives you the tools to explore sexual ecstasy with your partner through experiences like erotic massage and extended foreplay. 

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Do you remember what it feels like to love sex? To look forward to making love? To daydream about being hot and sweaty under the sheets with your lover?

For so many of us, those days are in the past, confined to our sexier youth when we had less stress, fewer responsibilities and less worry.

If you are in love with your sex life right now, fabulous. Get ready to fall even more in love!

But if you have fallen out of love with sex, if it has become routine or boring, let’s explore how to fall in love with sex again.

Love Sex Again: How To

To be in love with sex again, you need to make one solemn vow to yourself: never have sex you don’t want to have. Some experts say it is ok to have unwanted sex to appease your partner, but we say absolutely not. Especially when it comes to any kind of penetration, your body knows when it is being violated. Unwanted sex quickly leads to resentment and makes it harder to get turned on down the road. If your partner is in the mood and you are not, encourage them to masturbate (in front of you or alone) and wait until you are truly in the mood to engage. You can’t fool your body when it comes to unwanted sex, so to have a sex life you truly love, only participate when you are authentically enjoying yourself.

Perhaps the most important step in loving sex is making sure the sex you are having is highly arousing and pleasurable! Everything we do here at Pleasure Mechanics is designed to make your sex life more pleasurable, so put our resources to work to make sure your sex is as orgasmic as possible.

This might mean learning couples massage so you can relax and let go of stress, or it might mean mastering the art of foreplay so you can get fully turned on. Or maybe you are ready to create your own adventure in the realm of kinky sex.

Whatever you need to do to make your sex life arousing and orgasmic, we are here to guide you every step of the way. You can’t love sex if the sex you are having is less than satisfying! We believe everyone can level up their sex life and make it more pleasurable. How can we help you love sex even more?

Love Sex Again: Release Toxic Emotions

The next step in falling in love with sex again is confronting shame and guilt. No matter how sex positive you are, we all have residual shame and guilt that block us from loving sex as much as we could. So your job is rooting out these toxins and purging them from your system. Shame and guilt come in many disguises: body shame (too fat, too thin, too small, too large, too hairy, too old), guilt about receiving too much pleasure (Am I taking too long? I feel selfish being the focus of attention! Is my partner getting bored?) shame about enjoying sex (what kind of woman does this make me? Am I a slut? I shouldn’t want this so badly!) When you start recognizing and confronting the shame and guilt you carry, you can start releasing it and make room for even more pleasure. This is an ongoing task, as you discover new levels of toxic emotions and confront deeper emotions. Keep doing the work and keep discovering just how much you can learn to love sex!

As you confront personal levels of guilt and shame, you will also come across the cultural messages about what it means to love sex. In a culture that doesn’t respect sexuality, we are taught that loving sex makes us hedonistic, selfish, trashy and even worthless. Women are especially prone to these messages, but men have their own coded judgements about being “players” or “thinking with their small head.” We are told that to love sex is morally degrading. To truly fall in love with sex we need to transform these messages and actively embrace the idea that good sex is healthy, positive and uplifting. To love sex we need to value sex and it’s place in our relationships and spiritual lives.

Finally, as you fall in love with sex again start asking yourself what it means to love pleasure and sex outside of the bedroom. What does being a sex positive person mean in the rest of your life? How does inviting and enjoying pleasure change your mood and the experience of your days? How does it change how you live, how you communicate with your friends, how you prioritize your time and energy?

Go ahead, fall in love with sex again. Allow yourself to open up to the pleasures and excitement of loving sex and loving your sex life!

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Cuddling is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship. Cuddling offers many benefits for your physical health and for your relationship. Every expert – from sex educators to doctors to therapists – recommend cuddling. Most people love some element of cuddling – either the physical affection or the emotional intimacy.

But cuddling does offer some challenges that are rarely talked about! From dead limb syndrome to mismatched desires for cuddling, cuddling can actually create conflict in a relationship if it is not approached with the right skills and strategies!

In this podcast (hit the “play” button at the top of this page to start listening!)

Let’s be clear: cuddling is a very healthy practice. Skin to skin contact releases the healthy hormones oxytocin and dopamine, both of which offer a range of benefits from boosting your immune system to regulating your sleep patterns. But most of us don’t cuddle for the medicinal effects. We cuddle to express love and affection, to feel close to our loved ones and to slow down long enough to really connect. A good cuddle session can leave you feeling loved, relaxed and nourished with love.

Since cuddling is so great, let’s explore how you can enjoy even more of it in your relationship.

First, find your cuddle style!

Cuddling Positions:

Not everyone likes the intense physical closeness of spooning, for example. Try lots of positions and notice the emotional energetics of each one. Some cuddling positions feel more mutual while others feel like one partner is “holding” the other. Spooning offers the closeness of full body-to-body contact, while other positions minimize physical contact while maintaining the intimacy of cuddling. Try a whole range of positions and notice the emotional and physical feelings of each one!

Don’t get stuck in a cuddling rut! Trying new positions allows each of you to experience the whole range of cuddling experiences. The term “jetpacking” refers to the physically smaller partner being on the outside of the spooning position. We love this nickname and encourage you to not limit your cuddling based on assumptions due to physical size or gender norms!

Cuddling Times:

Do you like to cuddle in front of the TV? before sleep? upon waking? Do you want to create dedicated cuddle time? There are many opportunities for cuddling. While cuddling in front of the TV can offer many of the physical benefits of cuddling, your emotional attention is directed at the screen rather than at one another, so it may feel less intimate.

Cuddling Capacity:

Just like everyone has a different level of libido, everyone craves a certain amount of cuddling. This means that between you and your partner, it is quite normal to have a gap between how much cuddling you each want. Discuss this openly and don’t make it a problem. Try to meet one another’s needs without either of you becoming a martyr. We discuss this issue in depth in the podcast episode (just hit “play” at the top of this page!)

Cuddling Needs:

When navigating your cuddling times with your partner, try to be specific about what you need. Do you just want to relax in your lover’s arms? Do you want to connect emotionally and talk? Are you in the mood for sex and using cuddling as the first steps of foreplay? The more clear and specific you can be about what you need, the more likely you are to get it!

Cuddling Troubleshooting:

Some people avoid cuddling because of specific annoyances. Rather than giving up the benefits of cuddling, it is worthwhile exploring solutions. Here are some of the more common cuddling annoyances we hear about and a few possible solutions!

• Temperature: Does one of you burn up while the other basks in the heat? Regulate your individual temperatures with clothing and blankets so you can both be comfortable. You don’t have to both be under the same blanket to be intimate! Give yourself permission to take cuddling breaks to roll over, cool off and then come back to cuddling when you are ready!
• Dead Limb Syndrome: Don’t ever feel stuck in one position, especially if it means one of your limbs falling asleep. There are no martyrs in cuddling! Always adjust for comfort. This requires exploring a range of positions so you never feel stuck or smothered. Changing positions doesn’t have to mean breaking the intimacy. Remember, unless both of you are comfortable you’ll never sink into that exquisite zone of intimacy, so it is well worth the time to find the positions that work best for your unique combination of bodies and move between them as you need!
• Hair Management: Sometimes it can be hard to relax if a big beautiful head of hair is choking one of you! If hair is getting in the way of enjoying cuddling, consider using a headwrap, scarf or other hair management tool! Or, making smoothing the hair away a part of the cuddling experience.

Take Cuddling To The Next Level:

Cuddling can be a pathway to profound intimacy and physical pleasure. On the podcast we cover 5 techniques for making cuddling even better. Listen in (hit the “play” button at the top of the page!) to hear about:

• Two simple tools to deepen your physical and emotional connection
• A game for couples to strengthen your intimate bond
• Two touch techniques to add to cuddling for more physical pleasure

May you enjoy the profound pleasures of cuddling your whole life long!
Ready to unlock the power of foreplay? Add massage to your cuddling with our Couples Massage Mastery Course and then check out the Foreplay Mastery Online Course to take your love life to the next level of orgasmic pleasure!