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Hookup Culture with Lisa Wade

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Hookup culture is about more than casual sex. Hookup culture is part of today’s sexual landscape and affects all of us, whether or not we are in a relationship or single.
Hookups are casual sexual encounters that are presumed to be one time deals, without emotional attachment or the intention of an ongoing relationship. Hooking up happens in the dorms and frat houses of college campuses, but also in adult bedrooms. Recently, the rise of apps like Tindr make finding hookups easier than ever for adults of all ages. A few clicks and swipes and you can find willing sex partners ready to hook up, no strings attached.
Humans have been having casual sex for all of history – but it has never been as permissible, accessible or desirable as it is today. What are the benefits and costs of a culture that promotes hookups? How do our college institutions and youth culture privilege hookups over relationships, and how does this culture impact different social groups – men and women, white people and people of color, heterosexual and queer, able bodied and disabled? These are important questions to ask as we observe the rise of hookup culture with a critical eye.
Hookup culture is part of the new sexual landscape, a direct product of the sexual revolutions of the past 100 years, and a reflection of the sexual freedom people of all ages now enjoy. Yet hookup culture is not simply a liberating landscape of pleasurable sex – it is also dangerously close to rape culture and leaves an emotional wound for many who participate.
In this episode of the Speaking of Sex podcast, we speak with Lisa Wade, professor of sociology at Occidental College about her new book American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex On Campus.
We cover a brief history of American sex culture, how hookup culture became the norm on campuses, and both the benefits and dangers of hookup culture. We also discuss how cultures change by vocal groups of individuals, and what you can do to change the sex culture around you.

Lisa Wade’s website

American Hookup on Amazon

Sociological Images Blog

I Want Sex – But Not With My Spouse

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What happens when your sexual desire is alive and well – but you don’t want sex with your spouse? The one person you are supposed to have sex with is not the one lighting up your fantasies, and you may even experience repulsion or disgust at the idea of sex with your partner. First, remember you are not alone. This is a very common experience and it is totally normal in a long term relationship.

In this podcast we pull apart this complicated question and suggest action steps for figuring out how to proceed in your marriage when you want sex – but not with your spouse. This is part two of a podcast series – make sure to listen to part one, Episode #230: Sex Out Of Obligation.

First, reflect on how you arrived at the crossroads of wanting sex, but not with your partner? Perhaps it started with fantasy – most people have active sexual fantasies about people other than their long term partners. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about other people, but is important to notice if these fantasies are taking you deeper into your sexual experience or taking you out of it. Never endure sex out of obligation – for more on sex out of obligation click here for podcast episode 230 where we explore that topic in great detail.

Maybe you’ve gone through a dry spell and find yourself in a sexless marriage. Again, this is a very common experience and it is important to know that periods without marital sex are totally normal within the context of a long term monogamous relationship. Did you have kids and your sex life was put on hold for a few years? Have you been through a medical crisis or other stressful life event? Try to be honest about all the factors that made your sexual connection disconnect for awhile.

No matter what your situation looks like, start by getting radically honest with yourself and your partner. Try to figure out why you don’t want sex with your spouse – what factors are putting the brakes on your desire? Are you holding on to anger, resentment or grief? Or do you simply feel more platonic love where there used to be lusty passion?

Go on a long walk or drive with your partner and start clearing the air. If this step feels challenging, bring in the support of a professional sex positive therapist. Sometimes, saying something out loud helps you release all of the tension it took to keep it a secret. Airing your grievances can help you get over them – or realize they aren’t that important in the first place. Sometimes couples find just by naming all the things that have been chronic annoyances they take the pressure off and remember all of the positive things that are working in the relationship.

Once you begin having more honest conversation, start talking about what you both want out of your shared sex life. Do you both want to be having sex? Or is the desire more one sided? These conversations can be painful but it is important not to take this too personally. Remember that many factors contribute to the desire for sex – stress, medical issues, financial issues and other big forces that may or may not be in your control. Your partner’s interest in sex is not a measure of your value or desirability.

Notice your willingness and desire to share affectionate touch with your partner. Do you feel good when you cuddle up on the couch? Are you willing to share the pleasures of couples massage? Do you like kissing? If these kinds of affectionate touch are still enjoyable for both of you, double down on your commitment to share more quality touch. Reconnecting with couples massage is a great way to express love, pleasure one another and share more affection without the pressure of sex. Many couples find that sharing massage is a smooth pathway back to an erotic connection.

If you have had lots of open and honest conversation and discover that you have evolved into a more companionate, platonic relationship, it may be time to talk about an open non-monogamous relationship. Take baby steps into this process. Start by reading Opening Up or The Ethical Slut and be honest about what you are both interested in. There is no one way to have an open relationship, only what is right for you. Do you want to go to swinger’s events together? Have online relationships only? Will only one of you have sex with other people, or both? How will you navigate sexual safety and preventing unwanted pregnancy? Again, if these conversations feel overwhelming to you it is a good idea to spend time with a sex positive therapist who can guide you through this process.

It is important to remember that we don’t often hear the stories of couples who make non-traditional sexual arrangements work. We hear about infidelity when it ruins a relationship, but rarely hear the honest reports of platonic marriages, companionate marriages and open marriages. If you want a sex life but don’t want to have sex with your spouse, it is important to explore your options and have honest conversations.

Want to share your story? Don’t hesitate to be in touch by clicking here.

Sex Out Of Obligation

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Is it ever a good idea to have sex out of obligation? Do you owe your spouse a sex life? What is your obligation to your partner when it comes to sex? We hear variations of this question quite often, and in this podcast we tackle this complicated and emotional issue head on.

Click the play button at the top of this page to listen to this podcast episode on the hazards of having sex out of obligation – and discover the healthy alternative to obligatory intercourse!

Here is the letter that inspired this email. In episode 231 we will discuss what to do when your sexual desire is alive and well, but you don’t want to have sex with your spouse! Be in touch to ask a question or suggest a topic for a future episode by clicking here!

I have a question following your latest podcast on sex initiation/refusal. I have been with the same partner for 15 years, we have two children under the age of 11. Four years ago, I felt like my sex drive was declining to the point where my partner threatened to find sex with someone else, if I kept refusing.
I rarely initiated sex and we were having sex maybe once or twice a month at this point. His threat made me extremely fearful, so I made a real effort to say yes more, even though I really didn’t want to, and we made the agreement that we would prioritise sex once a week, mainly to keep him happy.
Sometimes, I warmed up and found myself enjoying it, and sometimes it just wasn’t happening so I allowed him to have sex with me, even though it did nothing for me. The reason I did this is because if he does not get it, he becomes extremely angry which comes out as him being snappy at me and our two children. I soon realised that if he didn’t get any sex from me, my weekends would be miserable, and felt like it wasn’t worth the hassle of refusing as I was just making matters worse for myself and my children.
Fast forward to today. There are now many more days where I do not enjoy sex. This is not because my partner is selfish or bad in bed, but I feel like I simply do not fancy him anymore. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of resentment that has been built up over the years because I felt threatened that he would leave, but it has now got to the point where, although we are have sex weekly and sometimes twice per week, he is tired of me not enjoying it, and has again threatened to go elsewhere.
This time, however, I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot continue to be blackmailed in this way and told him that there is nothing I can do if that’s what he wants, and through my tears, told him that he’s right, because he does deserve to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with him, and that I couldn’t help it, but I just wasn’t feeling like it.
However, I have come to realise that, I do feel like it, I just don’t feel like doing it with him anymore. I can’t tell him this, a few years ago I told him I didn’t fancy him anymore, he told me that he wished I never told him that, but I was just trying to be honest, as I felt like I was no longer emotionally connected with him.
I suggested counseling which he refused as he said he didn’t like the thought of telling strangers our problems. I soon ended up taking back that comment I made, saying I didn’t know what got into me and shrugging it off as a phase, partly because I hoped it just was and partly because I realised how much I loved him and I didn’t want to see him hurt, or lose him.
The fact still remains today, that I have no sexual desire towards him, but I do have sexual desire. I fantasise and masturbate often. Throughout my research, I came across many articles about long term married women saying they have no sexual desire anymore and now I wonder if this is all just a myth. Perhaps I have always had desire and never lost it, but I have just realised that I no longer have the desire for him.
I still love my husband very much, he is a great life partner, husband and Father, he takes care of me in many ways, we have many of the same beliefs and values but he travels often with work and when he is home he just wants to sleep or watch t.v and it’s never anything that we can both watch and enjoy together. I am always the instigator of meals out or quality time spent together, but it never feels like enough.
I feel emotionally starved, but when I have discussed this with him, he will take me out for a meal or spend money on me, all of which is lovely, but none of which rekindles my desire or passion for him. He has since apologised for making this comment and said he takes our marriage vows seriously, and doesn’t want anyone else, but now says he thinks our arrangement is unhealthy, which I completely agree with yet he was fine with it 4 years ago! He says that from now on I have to initiate it when I want it. He made an effort to rub my feet and I could see what he wanted so i initiated out if pressure, again, not out of want. He says he thinks no one else will fancy him now anyway which made me feel guilty that perhaps I have ruined his self esteem, but at the same time, question if this a manipulation tactic. He has also mentioned that he has been tempted on business trips before as a lot of his business associates have this kind of lifestyle where they cheat on their wives.
I am at a loss for what to do, and in desperate need of advice. I feel like a part of me is dead inside. Can this be saved? or am I better off finding someone else myself and allowing him to do the same?

At The Male Strip Revue

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At The Male Strip Revue - Free Podcast Episode
Here’s what happened when we went to American Storm in Las Vegas – and came away with lots of ideas about unbridling women’s sexuality, integrating fantasy into domestic life, and men’s erotic embodiment!

Have you ever been to a Magic Mike style male strip event? Tell us about it at PleasureMechanics.com/hello – we’d love to hear your story!

Please note, this episode shares the true story of our visit to the male strip revue – this is not a paid endorsement for American Storm, Las Vegas or London strip clubs!

How To Initiate Sex

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SMSOS228

Initiating sex can be scary, even in long term relationships. Here’s how to initiate (and refuse!) sex with skill and grace.

If initiating sex terrifies you, you are not alone. In this episode we dive into the best way to initiate sex to minimize rejection – and how to reject your partner without wounding the person you love!

Initiating sex can be scary, even with a long term partner. Asking for what you desire is a vulnerable act, no matter how much you trust your partner. For most people, it is the fear of rejection that gets in the way of initiating sex more frequently.

Let’s face it: rejection hurts. Most human languages reflect this with phrases like “heart broken” and “hurt my feelings” or “that stung.” Recently, modern technology has revealed that this isn’t a metaphor: functional MRI studies reveal romantic rejection registers in the brain as physical pain.

But you don’t need to feel rejected every time your partner isn’t up for sex. In this episode, we explore how to reframe the situation so it feels safer to ask while allowing both partners to authentically negotiate their desires.

A lot of people come to sexual neediness out of touch starvation. If you have a culture in your relationship where you are not touching one another, you are not affectionate, you are not feeling paid attention to, that is when sexual neediness sets in. And needy is never sexy.