Pleasure Mechanics

The Gender Galaxy

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The gender galaxy is expanding – and opening up opportunities for us all. Learn all about transgender, genderqueer, genderfluid and cisgender identities, and find yourself in the gender galaxy!

Learn all about the gender galaxy:

  • what is gender?
  • what does it mean to be transgender?
  • what does it mean to be genderqueer how is it different from identifying as genderfluid?
  • what can you do to support gender non conforming individuals?
  • what does it mean to be cisgender?
  • how does the expanding gender galaxy offer us all more freedom and opportunity?

Gender Galaxy Language

Here are some ideas to orient you in the gender galaxy!
Please note: this language is a living, breathing cocreation – if you think about one of these terms differently, or have a different experience to share, wonderful! Be in touch with us and share your thoughts.

Gender Identity: how you think and feel about yourself

Gender Expression: how you behave and express yourself socially

Agender: someone who identifies as having no gender

Androgynous: identifying as having both masculine and feminine traits

Bigender: some people use this term to mean having different genders depending on social contexts

Cisgender: someone whose gender identity and expression matches their assigned birth sex.

Genderqueer: someone who actively mixes and matches gendered traits to create a unique gender expression

Gender Fluid: someone who moves along the gender spectrum and is comfortable with this shifting identity

Gender Nonconforming: someone whose gender expression doesn’t match the social expectations based their assigned birth sex

Gender queer: someone who feels their identity doesn’t match “male” or “female” but feels somewhere in between

Transgender: an umbrella term that can apply to anyone whose current gender identity is different from what would be expected based on their assigned birth sex, or anyone who has made a transition along the gender spectrum. While no specific medical interventions are inherently a part of a transgender identity, some transgender people use hormone therapy, surgery or other procedures to make their outward expression more closely match their internal identity.

Pronouns: when in doubt, check in with the individual about what pronouns they prefer. Some options, familiar and new:

She – Her – Hers – Herself

He – Him – His – Himself

They – Them – Their – Themself

Ze – Zir – Zirself

Ze –  Hir – Hirself

E – Em- Eir -Emself

Lust Vs. Disgust

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Arousal makes us do crazy things, right? Even simple sex acts like open mouth kissing and oral sex seem strange if you think about them rationally for too long! Things we would never normally want to do can suddenly become intensely pleasurable with the right person and the right amount of arousal.

It turns out that disgust and lust have an intimate and complicated relationship in the human brain.

This relationship can work both ways. If you experience disgust before trying to get aroused, it can be way harder to get turned on. But if you get really aroused first, then things that would ordinarily disgust you won’t bother you at all. Knowing how these emotions work in your body can help you manage your disgust so you can get more aroused, and get more aroused to become more sexually adventurous!

Sexual arousal is a motivational state that moves humans toward situations that inherently pose a risk of disease transmission. Disgust is an emotion that adaptively moves humans away from such situations.

These two experiences can interact in strange and important ways in your sex life. Tune in to find out what happens when lust and disgust meet in your erotic mind.

We cover:

  • how to minimize disgust to maximize arousal
  • how arousal minimizes disgust
  • why you need to figure out your personal disgust triggers
  • communication skills to help navigate the tricky terrain of disgust in your relationship
  • how disgust interuppts arousal, even more so than fear!
  • why women are more likely to struggle with disgust in their sex lives

Here are some scientific studies about lust vs. disgust:

Feelings of Disgust and Disgust-Induced Avoidance Weaken following Induced Sexual Arousal in Women

Disgust versus Lust: Exploring the Interactions of Disgust and Fear with Sexual Arousal in Women

“Women [who] were sexually aroused were more willing to touch and do initially disgusting tasks,” study co-author Charmaine Borg, a researcher in the department of clinical psychology and experimental psychopathology at the University of Groningen in The Netherlands.

 

 

Playful Sex

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Many people take sex way too seriously! Here’s how to make sex more playful, joyful and creative.

Playful sex brings us back to the creative freedom of pure pleasure seeking play. When we can laugh and enjoy sex more freely, we can let go of some of the shame and anxiety that make sex feel so serious sometimes.

Playful sex requires a certain level of sexual confidence. Play requires flexibility and creativity, the ability to respond authentically in every moment. Playful sex invites us to leave our scripts and routines behind and simply ask “what would feel pleasurable in this moment?”

Think about going to a playground with a kid. You don’t plan out exactly how many times you go down the slide, how high you’ll go on the swing and how many times you’ll throw a ball. Instead, you do what feels good in every moment, dynamically exploring the available options and making the most of your time at the playground. What if we brought this attitude to our sex lives?

In this episode, we talk about how to make sex more playful. We cover:

  • the attitudes of playful sex and how they will benefit your entire relationship
  • the emotional and hormonal benefits of playful sex
  • how to create more anticipation and excitement with playful sex
  • games to play together, in and out of bed
  • erotic touch games
  • the 5 minute game and how to make it work for you
  • sensation play, storytelling and other kinds of erotic play
  • how kinky sex can be playful, but why all playful sex doesn’t have to be kinky

We’d love to hear from you! Click here to send us an email or leave a voicemail

Building Consent Culture with Kitty Stryker

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 Without consent, desire cannot flourish ~ Carol Queen

Consent is far more than the absence of “no” – and is a vital social skill in and out of the bedroom. Consent culture is a critical piece of remaking our sex culture to be healthy, happy and pleasurable for us all. Consent culture is about empowering ALL of us to authentically navigate social and sexual situations with our boundaries respected and our dignity maintained.

On today’s episode we talk about building consent culture – and why consent is a vital erotic skill for all of us, even in long term relationships. Joining us is Kitty Stryker. Kitty Stryker is an outspoken writer and activist. Most recently, Kitty was the editor of  “ASK: Building Consent Culture” a book featuring the voices of marginalized people on various intersections of consent and daily life. 

In this episode (click play at the top of the page to start listening!) we cover:

  • Working definitions of consent and consent culture
  • Why consent has to go beyond “no means no”
  • How to create and give ongoing, enthusiastic and active consent
  • How systems of power complicate what we can say yes and no to.
  • The role of consent in long term relationships
  • How practicing consent in the bedroom can empower you in other parts of your life
  • How to create more opportunities for consent in your interactions

Click here to support the fundraising campaign for the Ask: Building Consent Culture book tour!

Content warning – while this episode is focused primarily about consent and how to build a consent culture that benefits us all, we will also briefly touch on sexual abuse and rape – if these subjects upset you I encourage you to listen to this episode at a time when you can get extra support from those you love and trust.

One definition of consent is called FRIES, which was coined by Planned Parenthood.

According to Planned Parenthood, consent consists of the following:

  • Freely given. Doing something sexual with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, or manipulation, or while drunk or high.
  • Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if they’ve done it before or are in the middle of having sex.
  • Informed. Be honest. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, that’s not consent.
  • Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.
  • Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to others (like oral sex).

 

 It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. ~ Laurie Penny

 

 

 

 

 

Surrendering Into Orgasm

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Have you ever had trouble letting go of control long enough to have an orgasm with a partner? Here’s how to surrender into orgasm, on your own terms.

Many women, especially those who like being in control of every element of their lives, have trouble letting go enough to get off. Even women who can have orgasms during masturbation sometimes have trouble with orgasms during partnered sex.

Here are our strategies for learning how to get out of your head and into your body so you can fully savor the sensations of arousal and surrender into orgasm.

In this podcast episode, we cover:

  • the anatomy of an orgasm
  • how “being in control” can block an orgasm
  • how to build trust with your partner to have more orgasmic sex
  • what elements of kinky sex help you have more orgasms
  • how to prepare your body for surrendering into orgasm

Resources mentioned on this episode:

Kinky Sex Mastery

Erotic Spanking Mastery

Here is the letter that inspired this episode:

Dear Pleasure Mechanics,
I stumbled on your podcast the other day and am reaching out to see if you can help me with a predicament I have found myself in since the beginning of my sex life.
I am 25 and have always had big difficulties reaching orgasm in the presence of a partner. (During masturbation I am pleased to say I have no problems!) When I began being sexually active beyond basic self-pleasure 8 years ago, I think part of the challenge was that I was unfamiliar with my own body and was shy to ask for what I wanted. However, I have had this issue recurringly, both in more casual encounters as well as in my most recent relationship which lasted 4 years. I had good communication with my partner, and he was very patient and attentive. His persistence however was not enough to bring me to orgasm – it became clear to me that I have a block/fear that I cannot seem to overcome. Naturally this was hugely frustrating for both of us, and led to loss of libido.
In the last 3 years I have really focused on getting to know myself through self-stimulation, I have read up on the matter, had sessions with a psycho-sexual therapist, and done some courses to expand my understanding, always focusing on clearing blocks and worries that I noticed along the way. I have also learned that being intimate does not always need to lead to orgasm, so the importance of this problem has shifted a little bit. Still, I want to be able to work through my block so that I know I can achieve orgasm when I am being intimate with a man. As I don’t have any trauma in my past that could help explain my fear, I am thinking that it may be linked to some of my personality traits outside the bedroom.
Control is an important aspect in my life – and surrender (i.e. giving up control), is something I am not used to. I like being in control of my actions, the results I achieve, my emotions, people’s attitudes towards me. I have even noticed that my assertiveness can often lead to people’s decisions or actions reflecting what they think I would do, or what I would expect, even if I am not intentionally interfering with the situation or outcome. As a result, I am used to being in control, and feel out of my comfort zone when I am not.
Inversely I would say that I feel uncomfortable in surrender mode. However, when I analyse my fantasies I am curious about taking the role of a submissive in a BDSM dynamic (not a hardcore one, but the idea of being restrained, controlled, and/or having to accept what is done to me turns me on). Perhaps I think that here I find a compromise that I can feel more comfortable with – controlled and agreed surrender. But why do I think I need a formal agreement to feel comfortable enough to surrender? And how can I practice surrender with a man, without making it all about reaching climax?
Do you have any advice as to how I can overcome my block of reaching orgasm with a man?
Many thanks in advance and really look forward to hearing from you,
-Laura

Ready to explore kinky sex and want us to guide you every step of the way? Check out Kinky Sex Mastery