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In this Just The Tip episode Charlotte talks about an idea presented in Dr. Marty Klein’s book Sexual Intelligence. The idea is that some of us deny experiencing certain pleasures not because of how they feel, but because of what that might mean about us.
This is an important idea to think about. Many of us have our own thoughts of what is and is not ok, decent or safe to do, and questioning those invisible assumptions that we all have is essential to an interesting fulfilling sex life that is actually yours. Meaning, most of the judgmental ideas we have integrated about what is normal and what is deviant and not ok for you to participate in are most often learned ideas that you have picked up from somewhere.
If you have any sexual activities that you think are not ok for you to participate in consider why. As Klein said there are two main reasons, one is that you are really just not interested in the activity which is totally fine. Having sexual boundaries is a fine and healthy thing, some activities may just not appeal right now (you have a lifetime of sex ahead so be open to the idea that your interests may change over time depending on your stages of life). The other reason for not being interested in certain sexual activities is because it MEANS something about you.
If you have any sexual activities that are off limits for you because a perceived meaning, think about where you learned that moral judgement. Who told you that it was wrong and whose morality are you trying to maintain? Most often it is your mother, father, grandparents, church or friends. And realize that you are essentially bringing them to bed with you and letting your perception of how they will judge you determine what you will and will not do in bed. You need to decide if that is what you want. Again, having boundaries and interests in bed is fine and healthy, but just have them come from you, rather than an outside arbitrary source of judgement. And know that you are lovable and desirable no matter how basic or wild and weird your sexual desires are. So often at the core of only doing what you perceive as normal and “right” is the fear that if we do something outside of that we will become unlovable and worthless as a human and of course no one wants that so we stay within very narrow limits. Challenge that idea and know that at a fundamental level you are lovable no matter what you are or are not into.
This process an important step in creating a sexuality that is yours. It is part of a sexuality detox, kicking imaginary voices out of your bed, and deciding what kind of sex YOU want to have. It is key to you having more freedom, pleasure and joy in bed. And we, The Pleasure Mechanics, want that for you.
