Articles — Page 62 — Pleasure Mechanics

Stop Asking THIS Question

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There is one question that can be a total mood killer in bed.

When women hear this question, they suddenly feel like they need to switch into caretaker mode and protect his fragile ego.

This question can drain all the eroticism out of the experience.

Guys, eliminate this question: Does that feel ok?

While you are at it, purge all of these questions: Is that ok? Does that feel good? Was that good for you?

While seemingly harmless, these questions drive women crazy – and not in a good way. They are bids for validation. They are asking women to tell men “yes, you are good enough” and “yes, you are man enough” in veiled language. These questions are rarely really about women’s pleasure – they are covering up sexual insecurity.

But we know how important erotic communication is – so what are better questions to ask? How can men replace caretaking with confidence?

In this episode, we talk all about the RIGHT questions to ask during sex, and how to develop the skills that will bring you authentic sexual confidence.

Sex Lab!

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Are you ready for a Sex Lab?

The sex lab is a playful space where you can try new sexual activities, build new sexual skills, dip into new kinks or try on new erotic personas – without all the pressure of creating a full sexual experience.

When athletes train, they do drills. They practice without the pressure of a full game experience. We need to do the same in our sex lives, to create the time to build sexual skills and conduct erotic experiments without pressure or anxiety.

Here are just a few things you might want to explore in a Sex Lab:

- - New sensation (spanking, scratching, featherlight touch, temperature play)
  - New toy (browse a great sex toy store like SheVibe and let your excitement guide the way!)
  - New erotic persona (roleplaying, power play)
  - New sexual activities (butt play, couples massage, prostate stimulation, bondage)
  - New positions (and not just for intercourse)

To try a sex lab, follow these steps:

Talk to your lover about what you want to try out. What sexual experience do you want to explore next?
Pick ONE small skill or piece of the experience to experiment with. For example, if you are interested in exploring bondage, JUST try on the cuffs and play with that element. Do NOT try out multiple things (bondage, roleplaying, sex while in bondage) all at once! Isolate your variables!
Set aside 20-45 minutes to experiment. Keep it friendly, playful and experiment with the spirit of curiosity. You aren’t trying to have a full sexual experience!
After your sex lab is complete, TALK about what happened. What felt good? What was exciting? What felt scary or unpleasant? Communicate with kindness and avoid reacting with harshness or judgment.
Integrate what worked into your sex life, or figure out what you need to explore more of before incorporating it into your sex life together.
Pick a new experiment for your next sex lab!
If you want expert guidance in your sex labs, enroll in our Erotic Mastery Online Courses for stroke-by-stroke guides!

Here is the email that inspired this episode:

I am a 36 year old woman and have been with my husband for almost ten years. We have a decent sex life, but it is just boring. We do the same five things every time, almost always in the same order. I have orgasms and everything, but I am just not excited by it. I try to bring in new things, but when I do my husband gets really anxious and goofy, cracking jokes and totally getting me out of the mood. Help! I can’t deal with the idea of a lifetime of the same sex over and over again

Jealousy, Arousal and Anxiety

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Sexual jealousy has a big impact on arousal and erection. For some people, sexual jealousy can be a huge turn-on, and these people can harness jealousy and turn it into arousal. Other people feel jealousy as anger and can get dangerously violent when they feel jealous. Some people get anxious and ashamed when they experience jealousy and these feelings shut down arousal and erection.

All of these experiences – sexual arousal, anger and anxiety are all upregulations of the nervous system, interpreted in different ways by different individuals.

In this podcast episode, we share what you need to know about sexual jealousy and how it can impact your arousal and erections. If you’ve ever been burdened by sexual jealousy, this episode will reveal new strategies you can use to either overcome jealousy or harness it and make it work for you!

You may also be interested in these podcast episodes:

Here is the email from a listener that inspired this episode:

I want to start off by sharing my experiences if arousal panic, which I have because of jealousy. Me and my girlfriend got together because she slept with somebody else. It was only then that I realized that she means much more to me than just the casual sex we had before, and I fought for her.

Sometimes during or before sex I get flashbacks to that moment and it feels so intense, imagining that she not only slept with somebody but possibly enjoyed it. That the way she moans or breathes or moves her hips, she did for somebody else.

We were not together, and I even ignorantly of my own yet unknown feelings encouraged her to explore others. So she did nothing wrong, but thinking of this I cannot relax. And not being able to relax and let yourself go is a death sentence for maintaining or achieving an erection.

What I did as a solution was very very hard and took a lot of jumping over an abyss of insecurity, when I just told her plainly what I felt.

Now, when I get into that state, I try focusing on her and why I love her and want to make love to her. She of course notices and she tells me she loves only me, and wants Me. Then, I start to feel safe again and our sex is great.

The solution is therefore not centered on myself, but on us. After all, we do this together. Opening up to her, brought us closer together, and the sex became even more intimate and believe it or not – wild.

This I wanted to share, in the hope of encouraging men to tell their partners about their anxieties. It is a strength.

Intimacy Issues

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Intimacy is one of those words that has lost it’s meaning – and it is time to excavate the meaning of intimacy and see where it fits in the complicated reality of human sexuality.

In this episode, we investigate the meaning of “intimacy” and propose a more deliberate and meaningful use of the word. What does intimacy really mean? How does it play out in all of our relationships? When we want more sexual intimacy, how do we get it? What happens when we don’t want to be intimate?

Intimacy is sometimes understood as “in-to-me-see” – is this a useful concept? If so, who do we want to let in – and what conditions do we need to create in order to make that safe?

In this episode we take a candid look at the concept of intimacy and reveal it to be much more than a euphemism for sex!

Sex Positive Families with Melissa Carnagey

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What does it mean to be a sex positive parent? How can you be a better role model for the kids and youth in your community?

As adults, we are the highest influencers for the next generation. It is up to us to show kids what it means to be sex-positive – and that is the work of a lifetime! Thankfully, Melissa Carnagey has created a fabulous website and podcast to help guide the conversation about what it means to be a sex-positive parent, how to talk to kids about sex and all the intricacies of being a sex positive role model.

In this inspiring conversation, we cover:

why “the birds and bees talk” doesn’t work and what we need to do instead
how to talk to kids at different ages and stages of development
what to do when your kids ask a question you are not prepared to answer
how we can learn from the youth and let them lead the way
why it is essential to build a sex positive community to support the kids in your life

Check out Melissa’s brilliant website here: SexPositiveFamilies.com and her new book, Sex Positive Talks to Have with Kids