Pleasure Mechanics

Survivor’s Toolkit

The Survivor’s Toolkit is a collection of resources created by and designed for survivors of sexual trauma. 

The Survivor’s Toolkit offers you a wide range of tools to work with your trauma and transform your sexual experience over time. You will find an expansive range of resources, interactive exercises and key concepts from the fields of sex education, psychology, mindfulness and somatics. 

Enroll Here. 

This is an invitation into self-compassion, hope and erotic possibility. This is an interactive map of many possible paths to more sexual freedom, choice and agency.

This is a love letter, dedicated to all those who have dared to explore what is possible in the aftermath of sexual violence.

If you have been wondering what is next after #MeToo, you will find actionable steps to begin reclaiming your sexual power and pleasure.

If you are tired of feeling constrained and limited by the aftermath of your trauma, join us to begin exploring your own erotic potential, on your own terms.

This is NOT a linear, one-size-fits-all course on recovering from sexual trauma, nor is it group therapy. You will not be asked to share your story or reveal any personal information. 

The Survivor’s Toolkit is an online resource with the tools, concepts and practices you can mix-and-match to work with your trauma and create a more pleasurable relationship to your sexuality.

PLEASE NOTE: This is a LIVING DOCUMENT and will grow over time as we co-create this resource in collaboration with professionals and community members.

More resources will be added over time, and your own contributions are most welcome. Everyone in the community will automatically receive all future additions to the course, no upgrade required.

Emerging Out Of Sexual Hibernation

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Sometimes, sexuality can go into a deep slumber – here is how to start emerging out of sexual hibernation.

In this episode, we share from our current experience of emerging out of sexual hibernation. Three years of being young parents and overcoming a major health crisis has left us both feeling disconnected from our sexual selves – and a bit numbed out.

It isn’t just libido that needs to wake up after a period of slumber – physical sensations and sexual vitality need to be reawakened as well. Tune in to find out what we are both doing to start emerging back into sexual vitality – and why going solo was the best thing for our erotic partnership.

 

Have A Good Ask In Bed

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How do you ask for what you want in bed? Do you wait around hoping your partner will know what you want? Do you send out subtle signals of sexual willingness- only to feel rejected when your partner doesn’t get the message?

We ALL need to develop the skills of naming authentic desires and inviting other people to share in our pleasures. True seduction is an invitation – it is not a request of a NEED but rather an invitation to share a WANT, a LONGING.

Here is how to invite your partner to share more pleasure with you – no matter how simple or elaborate your sexual desire. It’s our formula for a good ask in bed every time.

This framework is loosely inspired by “Have A Good Ask” by partnership coach Alison Armstrong.  You can find her work here.

While most people acknowledge that they are afraid of getting a ‘NO,’ we don’t talk enough about how hesitant we are to follow up a ‘YES.’ People wonder if putting pressure on folks to do what they committed to might ‘ruin it,’ causing the person to withdraw their ‘Yes.’ Or might it make them hesitant to ever say ’Yes’ again if you’re actually going to expect them to deliver? Can you see how this would leave us with just the hope and prayer that people will come through – without any real power or certainty? — Alison Armstrong

Alison Armstrong offers the model of asking for what you need with increasing levels of pressure and urgency- she calls it AIDE:

  • Ask
  • Insist
  • Demand 
  • Enforce

Her model is learning how to make an ask that is specific and clear – and then use a consistent and reliable increase in pressure to hold the other person accountable for their “yes”

Alison Armstrong’s “A Great Ask” uses this framework: 

  • I need _____ – simple statement
  • Getting this done would look like:  ____ – what, when, how often, by when
  • It would provide _____ – what would this give, allow, enable
  • What do you need to give me what I am asking for?

For sexual requests, we need a model that doesn’t frame a request as a NEED and that allows your partner to freely opt in to sharing that pleasure with you. It could be a hug or an elaborate kinky sex scene: every act of erotic intimacy requires some communication about desire and an “ask” – an invitation to play together.

Here is our best acronym! DISC(O?)

  • Desire (I am interested and willing)
  • Invite and Offer (Are you interested and willing?)
  • Seduce (Here’s a taste! Want more?)
  • Consent / Initiate (We’re doing this!)
  • Optimize! (How can we make this even better for both of us!)

For a treasure trove of free resources to optimize YOUR sexual experience, enroll in our free course Erotic Essentials.

Talking Sex with Sex Talk With My Mom

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Karen Lee Poter and Cameron Poter are the mother/son team behind the irreverent podcast Sex Talk With My Mom. When we were in Los Angeles recently, we got together and recorded episodes for BOTH of our shows! In this episode, we talk about their unlikely journey to recording a mother-son sex podcast and what they are both learning along the way. Cameron shares his adventures in the world of sex education and 30 day masturbation challenges. Karen Lee Poter offers her insights on enjoying sexuality on your own terms and what it means to her to be a sex positive mom.

Check out their show at SexTalkWithMyMom.com

Stop Asking THIS Question

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There is one question that can be a total mood killer in bed.

When women hear this question, they suddenly feel like they need to switch into caretaker mode and protect his fragile ego.

This question can drain all the eroticism out of the experience.

Guys, eliminate this question: Does that feel ok?

While you are at it, purge all of these questions: Is that ok? Does that feel good? Was that good for you?

While seemingly harmless, these questions drive women crazy – and not in a good way. They are bids for validation. They are asking women to tell men “yes, you are good enough” and “yes, you are man enough” in veiled language. These questions are rarely really about women’s pleasure – they are covering up sexual insecurity.

But we know how important erotic communication is – so what are better questions to ask? How can men replace caretaking with confidence?

In this episode, we talk all about the RIGHT questions to ask during sex, and how to develop the skills that will bring you authentic sexual confidence.