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Please read one or more of the following responses from our community out loud, in whatever voice and style feels right for you.
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We will be mixing and blending as many voices as we receive into the podcast episode where we share and respond to these survey responses.
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“My shame told me I was wrong, no matter what I wanted or how or how much or with whom. The shame oozed out of every corner of my upbringing“
“It sounds so simple, but practicing self-compassion has helped me tremendously. My previous tendency was to become ashamed of the shame I felt. I still feel shame, enough that it is challenging for me to talk with my loving partner about my inability to orgasm with him, but when it arises, I no longer turn against myself for feeling it. I’m not sure what “slaying” looks like for me in any final sense, but I am not as haunted by shame as I once was.“
“I avoided sex for a really long time because of enormous body shame and shame around performance/ skills (because of lack of experience). Then felt tremendous shame about being a “virgin”- felt like I was treated as though I was immature, incomplete, or young by peers. It became a self-perpetuating shame cycle“
“I’m just surprised by how previous sexual partners, both the casual encounters and people I felt deeply connected with, would pass subtle judgments on or appraisals of my orgasms, body and love of sex in a way that made me feel like just who I was was threatening to them. Because of this, it is hard for me to have full body orgasms with partners, the kind of orgasms I can have on my own, and this is a source of shame for me.“
“Accessing Sex Positive material on the internet and podcasts such as Pleasure Mechanics have given me more insight into my own sexuality which helps me see myself as more ‘normal’, whilst increasing my awareness of the dynamics of privilege, gender, sexuality, and patriarchy“
“Learning that I get to choose what works best for me and my life and relationships instead of having to follow societal scripts“
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Shame is one of the most common sexual struggles. Almost all of us struggle with some form of sexual shame – from body shame to faith-based shame, from kink shame to genital shame, almost everyone holds some shame. Shame tells us we are broken, sinful, gross or otherwise unworthy of love. Shame tells us if we were to be truly ourselves, we wouldn’t belong. Shame lies to us, and holds us all hostage in an invisible web-like grip of cultural myth and misinformation.
It’s time to slay the shame. In this encore episode of one of our most popular episodes ever, originally published in 2015 as episode 74, we explore sexual shame, think about where it really comes from, and then share a five step plan to slay your shame and find new freedom.
Participate in our Shame Slayers Survey here!
Ready to explore more shame-slaying, fear-busting, doubt-dissolving resources? Join the Pleasure Pod, show your support for the show, and unlock members only resources!
Here at PleasureMechanics, we are dedicated to the erotic liberation of all humans. Liberation means freedom from systems of domination and harm. You can read more about our guiding values here.
As we create a world with more safety and pleasure for us all, we believe we all must generate as much care, justice and support as possible for those most in need.
We make monthly, annual and one-time donations to a wide range of community organizations.
We encourage you to give in accordance to your ability, and to identify organizations whose missions resonate with your values.
If you wish to join us in our giving, here are just some of the organizations we support with financial donations. If you make a donation to any of these incredible organizations, please drop a line and let us know so we can share a virtual high-five and send you a gift in the mail if you wish!
Ready to explore Erotic Spanking? Join our online course & we’ll guide you every step of the way!
Many people find spanking to be an erotic activity on it’s own. Some people can experience orgasm through spanking alone, no genital stimulation needed! But for many people, spanking can be an exciting addition to sexual play and the combination creates intense sexual highs.
There are many ways to combine spanking with sex. You can start a sexual experience with a spanking, then follow the spanking with sexual stimulation of any kind. You can start with sex and then move on to spanking. Or, you can create sexual stimulation during the spanking. Any combination can work – explore and see what sequence you enjoy most.
Adding Sensations to Spanking
A great spanking creates a ton of sensation, and many people love to focus on just the spanking, finding it to be more than enough to capture their attention. But you may want to try adding in other sensations to create more variety and an element of surprise.
Here are some suggestions for sensations to add in during spanking. Add these in once you’ve warmed the butt up with a good warm-up and a few rounds of solid, firm spanks.
Beyond Spanking:
If you get really into this, and crave heavier sensation, eventually your hand will get sore. It is not uncommon for the recipient to crave more intensity than the Giver can comfortably give with a bare hand. Thankfully, generations of humans have designed a wonderful array of toys designed to delivery pleasurable forms of impact.
The best first step is using gloves to cushion your hand while staying in direct contact with your lover’s flesh. Try on lots of gloves to find what feels sexy and fits nicely – leather gloves or faux leather are ideal as they feel more “skin like” than wool or cashmere. They’ll deliver a nice thuddy blow while protecting the giver’s hand so you can spank harder longer!
If you still want more intensity, you may be ready to explore the world of erotic implements: paddles, floggers, canes and whips!
Full instruction in the realm of erotic implements is a bit beyond the scope of this course. This a world unto itself, with many passionate educators ready to tell you the nuance of each toy out there. If you are interested in using implements for more sensation play, seek out workshops that will teach you how to safely do so.
We’ll leave you with a word of caution. In our experience, as soon as a tool is involved, the line between “Yum” and “OW!!!” becomes razor thin, and the skill and attention to wield a tool well is significant.
You’ll find a demonstration of light paddling in the Dominant Spanking Scene video in our Erotic Spanking online course. Notice how much warm up Chris does before using the paddle, and how she mindfully uses the paddle as an extension of her hand. When using implements, you need to have the skill of paying attention to your lover’s reactions so you know how the sensation is being received.
Intensifying Your Spanking Scenes
After you have a sense of what your partner likes, you can start taking more control over the experience, creating elements of surprise, stretching their experience and building intensity.
Here are a few ways to amp up the intensity and start exploring spanking more in depth.
Creating a Climax
One of the more advanced skills of erotic spankings is developing the ability to read your lover’s energy and create a climax at the right moment. If you end the spanking too early, it may not be satisfying. If you keep it going too long, you risk burn-out and overstimulation.
We like to think of a great spanking as a journey, with multiple peaks and valleys of intensity. As a general guideline, try to identify the moment when the intensity has reached the optimum level and then keep it there for at least a few minutes. Then begin moving towards a climax.
You can either tell your lover that you are finishing up or just create a peak moment and then slowly bring the spanking to an end. If you are going to tell your lover that the end of the spanking is approaching, try saying something like “I’m going to finish with three of my best, are you ready?” and notice their response. Then follow through with three perfectly placed, hard spanks. Your final spanks should be as intense as the hardest spanks in the session – you don’t want to end with a few wimpy slaps.
If you are going to simply end, get mentally prepared to finish and then take a deep breath and give 3-5 hard spanks. Again, try to finish with the most intense spanks of the session. If you’ve been creating peaks and valleys, finish on a peak!
After the final spank, resist the temptation to keep going. Let the final spank soak in, and then move on to aftercare, allowing the energy to come back down and shifting to other kinds of intimate connection.
If at any point you notice you have lost your lover’s attention, it is a good moment to go for a few good last spanks and move on. You might also consider wrapping up the spanking if your partner really seemed into it and then those responses shift towards less interest, arousal or responsiveness. Ideally, you want to climax before this happens but sometimes you miss the mark. Just keep paying attention and communicating with your lover after each spanking to begin working towards the most ideal spanking for you both.
Remember, it is always better to leave your partner wanting more than to go too far too fast. If you are unsure about when to reach the climax of the spanking, err on the side of sooner rather than later. If you then hear that your partner could have taken much more intensity, you’ll know that for next time.