Vaginal wetness is not equal to female arousal.
There is of course an overlap, those times when a woman is both aroused and wet.
And yet. . .
A woman can be highly aroused and not at all wet.
Or very wet and not at all aroused!
Lubricants are always an option to increase wetness, which, in turn, may heighten arousal.
Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart – making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path – these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal.
Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once there, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow. Men, it is traditionally believed, have a sharp uphill climb – turned on by just about anything, one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep. We’ve all seen these charts and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern.
If your arousal and orgasm are indeed a terrain of peaks and valleys – and if you were indeed able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?
We propose a two-tooled system of exploring your own unique terrain of arousal. First, make a map. Getting to know a familiar path of arousal and climax is an excellent idea. It is a powerful thing to know what turns you on, what kind of touch stimulates you, how to reach climax most reliably, and what kind of afterglow you like best. Once you have it, you can show your map to your lover and give them the confidence to arouse you and satisfy you.
Arousal is a journey, an adventure – not a trip to the grocery store. Once you know your “sure thing” orgasm and have your map in your pocket, go off trail. Explore. But bring a GPS! With a GPS, you always know where you are and how to get where you want to go. This allows highway and byway exploring and spontaneous adventure.
For sex, your GPS is your awareness and attention. By choosing to pay attention to your arousal, mapping it into new terrain, you can play with new sensations and still know that you can find your way back to arousal and orgasm. You can begin learning new sexual techniques and skills, without the risk of giving up what already works for you.
If your lover tries something totally new – like scratching your inner thighs, giving you a foot massage, or (gasp!) suggesting something like prostate massage – you can try something new and simply pay attention. Do you like it? Does it take you closer or further away from climax? Or into another realm all together? Harder or lighter? What if they lightly stroked your thigh instead? What gets you off? What do you NEVER need to try again? Exploring is only fun when you are confident about how to get back home – to your trusted pleasures – when you need to.
As you approach orgasm, you can become aware of your own peaks and valleys – are you about to orgasm, what if you back away a bit, breathe deeply, and then begin building sensation again? With awareness and attention, you can explore the infinite variety of arousal and sensation available to you – and never get bored of traveling the same path to orgasm again and again. That map is always there for you should you want a clear and direct route – but for those days you want to travel and see the sites, simply pay attention and begin pioneering the unmapped terrains of your own sexuality.
For most people, the single biggest roadblock to experiencing pleasure is stress. Doctors and sex therapists agree – stress is the number one threat to your sex drive and intimate relationship. Stress damages your health, puts you in a bad mood, and kills your sex drive. Your body physically can not get aroused if you are stressed out!
Stress has a negative effect on both male and female libido: this much is simply fact. The question has become, what do we do about the fact that our stressful lives are one huge turn-off?
The stress of daily life wears at us, literally, causing physical damage to our bodies and creating negativity in our relationships. Stress comes from many sources: work, family, concerns about money, health, global issues and personal worries. It is important to locate the top stressors in your life and begin creating strategies to minimize stress at it’s source.
But let’s face it: we can’t always quit a stressful job or get away from a stressful family situation. So the essential strategy is learning how to cope with stress and minimize it’s effect on your life and health.
There are many great ways to reduce stress: exercise, meditation or prayer, dancing, whatever activities make you feel relaxed and happy.
There are two surefire stress reducers that also serve the dual purpose of strengthening your relationship and bringing you more pleasure: massage and mindfulness.
Massage is one of the best ways to relax, unwind and get rid of stress. If, like most people. you find stress is getting in the way of your sex life, we recommend several 5-10 minute massages a week for maximum stress reduction.
By spending this time with your partner, exchanging massage and relaxing together, you may find that not only are you less stressed out, but you may also be more turned on.
Many couples find that by sharing quality touch, they are more likely to be in the mood for sex, and the sex they have becomes way more exciting. This combination of massage and sex is a surefire way to counteract the damage of stress and live a more healthy, relaxed and pleasurable life.
What are your primary sexual scripts? Most of us have a few scripts that guide the majority of our sexuality. It may be a role or archetype that you try to fit into. It may be a peak sexual experience from the past that you are trying to recreate. Our sexual scripts are informed by and in relationship to the culture we live in. Ever since we were born, we have heard stories, seen movies and witnessed sexual scripts all around us.
Most of us can recall a scene from a movie that permanently shaped our sexual development – a scene that effected us so deeply that we try to emulate it, or capture the emotions of that Hollywood scene. TV shows, rock stars, books, and celebrities can all serve as fodder for the development of our own unique sexual scripts. For some people, sexual scripts are heavily influenced by our family life – either trying to live up to our parents model or trying hard not to recreate our parent’s failed marriage. Most people have a sense of what a man “should” be like – handsome, successful, powerful, muscular, charming, funny, daring. . . the list of “shoulds” goes on and on. We also have a story about what kind of partner we “should” love and what that relationship “should” be like.
Against this cultural background, our own sexual scripts are formed early in life and many of us never even notice that our relationships begin playing out like rehearsals, trying to fit ourselves and our potential lovers into roles that will satisfy us. With the easy accessibility of pornography online, we can narrow our sexual turn-ons into the most specific category as we wish – you can easily find a site of red headed cheerleaders if that is what turns you on. Or librarians with glasses. Online, it is easy to peruse page after page of explicit images and videos and discover new turn-ons – and yet many people stay within a narrow range of stimulation, living out their scripts in fantasy as well as in their real life.
Our sexual scripts are not just about roles, romance and relationships. We all have sexual scripts hardwired into our bodies – ways of being touched or touching ourselves that are our quickest routes to orgasm. Some of these scripts begin with childhood masturbation – if you masturbated under the constant threat of parental discovery and punishment, you may masturbate quickly and quietly long into adulthood, even when you have your own place and can be as loud as you wish. Most of us masturbate in basically the same way every time, or have sex with our partner using the same sequence of events.
The “porn classic” of a few seconds of kissing, followed by sucking on the female nipples, leading quickly to oral sex as a warm up for intercourse is one of the more common sexual scripts that couples find themselves repeating again and again. Our bodies respond to repetition. This can be a good thing, providing a sure way to get aroused quickly and providing a direct path to climax. But these patterns can also be too dependable, landing us in a sexual rut that is too much of a sure thing to try anything new.
Scripts can be comforting and useful – if we are truly in touch with who we are and what we desire, it can be comforting to stay within your self-determined script and seek satisfaction. The problem is many of us never take the time to examine our sexual scripts and ask if we are truly being fulfilled, or if a wider range of pleasure is possible. We do the same sex acts over and over again, with the same fantasy in our heads, and then wonder why we are still dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
By examining your arousal patterns, you can map more consciously that which turns you on. If you choose, you can begin paying attention to a wider range of stimulation and arousal so you can feel even more pleasure. You don’t have to give anything up – your major turn ons and desires can still play a large role in your sexuality. But by widening the sense of what is possible, and taking a close look at your routines, you can enjoy a wider range of relationships and pleasures, and possibly discover something even more satisfying
If you want to be a great lover and be able to pleasure women, you need to learn how to master clitoral stimulation. For sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, the clitoris is the most important square inch of flesh on the female body. Of course, paying attention to the full body is important – and learning how to touch and pleasure every part of your lover’s body is an essential skill in becoming a better lover. But when it comes to female arousal and orgasm, the clitoris is the key.
The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings – the densest concentration of nerve endings anywhere on the male or female body. The external structure of the clitoris is the most available to touch, but the clitoral body extends deep into the body, and can be stimulated internally, or when pressure grinds the internal clitoris against the pubic bone!
For the vast majority of women, clitoral stimulation is essential for becoming highly aroused and reaching orgasm. Some women love the addition of vaginal penetration or anal play (or both!) – but almost all women need their clitoris to be a key component in sexual stimulation. To become a more confident lover and gain mastery over the female orgasm, clitoral stimulation techniques are top priority.
But don’t get stuck with just one clitoral stimulation method – just because it worked on your last lover doesn’t mean every woman will respond! It is far better to be confident with many different ways of stimulating the clitoris, so you can mix it up, surprise your lover with new sensations and stimulate more nerve endings for maximum pleasure. Learning a wide range of clitoral stimulation techniques will allow you to pleasure every woman, every time.
Women need a range of stimulation to stay satisfied – which is why our video guide on female pleasure guides you in learning a huge range of clitoral stimulation methods – from gentle warm-ups to highly arousing strokes, from one finger techniques to an exclusive internal-external stimulation technique that touches all parts of the clitoris simultaneously. We know that clitoral pleasure is essential for female sexual fulfillment – so our guide makes the clitoris a priority, in addition to showing ways of pleasuring the entire external vulva as well as internal stimulation techniques.
Let us show you how to master clitoral stimulation techniques, g-spot stimulation and much more. Gain the skills and confidence you need to surprise your lover with a wide range of sensations and powerful orgasms.