Pleasure Mechanics

Foreplay

Great sex begins with foreplay. Most of what we think of “foreplay” is touch – full body touch, erotic touch, the touch of our lips on one another’s body. Touch is how we seduce our lovers, create arousal, and become orgasmic.

Erotic touch and massage are not always preludes to more intense sexual activities – but they serve as the foundation for deeply satisfying erotic experiences.

Foreplay is also about how you treat one another throughout your days, and working towards creating a culture of pleasure in your relationship. This is what we call “Keeping It Warm So It Is Easier To Get Hot”

Our Foreplay Mastery Online Course has been our #1 bestselling online course for over a decade – why? because it offers timeless techniques and proven strategies to make sex great again!

Death To Foreplay!

How often do you hear these trite quips about sex:

“Women want more foreplay”

“Women need more foreplay than men”

“Maybe there just wasn’t enough foreplay”

As sex educators and experts in erotic touch, we hear things like this all time. Lack of foreplay is constantly cited as the scapegoat for mediocre sex. As if it were salt, present only to enhance the main dish.

We’re here to declare Death to Foreplay. And you’re invited to the after party.

Foreplay. Fore – Play. As in “before” the “play” – the prelude to the big event.

When you think of foreplay, what activities do you include. Quick, make a list.

Here is our short list:

– Full Body Touch and Caress

– Eye Contact

– Kissing

– Nibbling

– Full Body Contact

– Talking and Laughing

– Licking the Body

– Stimulation of the Genitals with Hands

– Oral Sex

That last one is tricky, right? Many people consider Oral Sex full-on sex, on par with vaginal or oral intercourse. Other people consider it far more intimate. (We like to call this “The Hierarchy of Orifices”)

But for most people, the Foreplay Activities List would look pretty similar.

We say it is time to put an end to “Foreplay”

What bothers us here as experts in arousal is certainly not the activities on that list.

What is essential is that all of these activities, plus penetrative intercourse, are considered as equal opportunities for pleasure, a range of activities that we humans can do with our bodies in different combinations for the most possible sexual pleasure.

What is essential is that we end the notion that all of these activities are just a prelude to “the real thing” and that only certain acts “count.” These turns of phrases may have been relevant when we were teenagers, but as adults we need a sexual language that better serves our reality, right?

When couples start keeping track of “what counts” there is a fundamental break-down in intimacy.

The goal of an erotic relationship, for most people, is mutual pleasure and fulfillment. Most of us want our lovers to feel loved, cherished, desired, satisfied and turned on. And most of us want to feel the same things – sexy and satisfied.

Think for a minute about your erotic goals – what kind of sex life do you really want? Consistent? Exciting? Comforting? Raw? Seductive? What words come to mind. Make a list!

Now that you have a sense of what kind of sex life you want, think about what kind of sex that life includes.

What is working now:

What I want more of:

What I want less of:

In our work with thousands of men, women and couples, we’ve never seen anyone list simply: I Want More Vaginal Intercourse and Anal Sex.

Most people can’t even imagine a sex life comprised exclusively of penetration. So why do we take this whole realm of erotic touch, all the ways we pleasure one another, and dump it in this frumpy category of “Foreplay”

Here’s just one theory: the language we use to talk about sex is weighed down with baggage from a puritan past, when pleasure was something to fear and be ashamed of, not something to be embraced and harnessed for good!

So if our collective goal is to experience the sex life of our dreams – whatever that looks like for you – then we need to expand our experience of erotic touch. Forget Foreplay – what we need more of, what there is never too much of, what we could ALL use, is more TOUCH. Quality, skilled touch. Erotic Touch.

There are some metaphors that just work for sex so we’re going to run with a couple. Use whatever imagery works for you and your life.

Many people think about being aroused and turned-on as being “hot” – once we are “hot” we are in the zone.

It is often thought that men can swing faster between “hot” and “cold.”  The theory goes that men can be turned on by just about anything, and are ready for sex whenever there is a willing partner around. Think of an instant tea kettle – push one button and you’ve got a shot of hot water.

Women, on the other hand, are thought to be like a big pot of water – it takes a long time to get her “hot” but once she has been brought to a boil, there is a long lasting heat.

How true do those metaphors feel to you?

We think most people, male and female, experience a combination of the classic gendered stereotypes. Most of us experience a mix of what scientists call “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire” – sometimes we are turned on and aroused seemingly out of nowhere, other times we need to be seduced and have our arousal drawn out of us.

So many factors influence our ability to feel turned on and ready for sexual intimacy. To name just a few big ones: health, finances, stress, family, ambient temperature.

Here’s what we know for sure: 

Most people want to get “hot” more often.

Very few people like the feeling of being sexually “cold”

Our proposal: Cultivate a relationship where you both are kept “warm” so when the mood and opportunity strikes, it is way easier to get “hot.” To follow our pot of water metaphor, we believe it is possible to keep a huge cauldron of arousal at a slow simmer, fueling your relationship and ready to be brought to a boil when occasion calls.

Feeling Stuck In A Sexless Marriage?

If you are in a sexless marriage, and are looking for ways to reconnect with your lover, you are not alone. Estimates range from 10% – 40% of all marriages are sexless, defined as engaging in sexual activity less than four times a year. We have worked with couples who have not touched one another for 20 years – so wherever you are in your sexless marriage, remember that you are not alone and it is not your fault!

This page, and this site, is for the rest of you. If you want to reconnect and reanimate your sex life, you are in the right place.

We are not relationship therapists, nor do we know you well enough to give you any advice specific to your situation.

We are however experts in touch – couples massage and erotic touch – and the #1 recommendation from sex therapists meeting couples in sexless marriages is to try more touch!

We’ve partnered with therapists over the years and the verdict is that our massage guides are an excellent place for couples to start rekindling the ability to touch one another, communicate and exchange pleasurable, intimate touch – without the pressure of sex looming!

You may have heard of Sensate Focus. This is a technique developed by Masters & Johnson, early sexologists who basically “wrote the book” of modern sex therapy. Sensate Focus is a long, drawn-out practice where couples reconnect through one-way touch. Our online full body massage course capture all of the benefits of sensate focus – while offering much more pleasure and relaxation (which we all need!) and moving at a pace that fits modern lives.

Here is our guidance for people in sexless marriages who want to find a pathway back to sharing pleasurable touch:

1. Confirm your willingness to touch one another. You must both authentically want to share touch, even if it is scary, even if you doubt it will work, the willingness must be in place.

2. Set aside 10 minutes, 3 times a week.

3. Enroll in the Couples Massage Mastery Online Course. We believe everyone can learn how to give a great massage, and we want every couple around the world to share massage as part of their intimate relationship! With the stroke-by-stroke follow along video guides, you’ll quickly learn how to touch one another with more skill and confidence. Hit play, follow along, and relax into it together!

4. Take turns Giving and Receiving. On any given day, one of you gives the other a massage. No swapping right away. This is important to give each of you the opportunity to feel the role of Giver or Receiver fully, and allow any issues to come up clearly. Here is a podcast about Giving & Receiving

5. Make massage a regular part of your life. Free from the pressures of sex, arousal and all the issues that might bring up, massage is your opportunity to explore what it means to touch each other in a whole new way.  You’ll be learning something new together, which experts say is excellent for emotional intimacy. Plus, you’ll be offering one another quality, relaxing, pleasurable touch. Our video guides are designed to give you success stories right off the bat – we put together sequences that are both easy to learn and highly effective. You may be amazed at how good your lover’s touch can feel!

6. Pay attention to the emotions that come up during the massage exchange. You may find major clues about unresolved issues that have created physical distance in your relationship. The roles of Giver and Receiver bring up a lot of emotions for people. Notice if you feel any anger, resentment, longing, sadness, or any other unexpected emotion. Continue with the massage but make sure to spend time on the emotional issues that arise. In our experience, massage is the best way to bring to the surface all the unspoken issues between couples that may be the real reason you are avoiding physical intimacy.

7. Exchange massage as a regular part of your relationship – 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Then add in kissing, cuddling and pillow talk as you bask in the afterglow of your massage. Allow the intimacy to deepen. When giving each other massage starts feeling joyful, easy and more physically intimate, you can amp up the erotic intimacy. Try giving massage in the nude, allowing more body contact between you. Start adding in kisses as you give massage. Look into one another’s eyes and linger, allowing that vulnerability to bridge the space between you.

8. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom. Take walks or drives together and discuss sex as a general topic of conversation (rather than your own sex life!) Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your first celebrity crushes? What would you want to tell your teenage self about sex if you could go back in time? What are your sexual values? Can sex and love be separate? By talking about sex in general you’ll develop more comfort when it comes to discussing your own sex life.

9. If you are ready to explore more sexual intimacy, consider our Foreplay Mastery Course, which demonstrates (on lifelike replicas, no pornography here!) how to touch  your lover’s most sensitive parts with your hands. The skill of sexually pleasing your lover with just your hands is a game changer- all of a sudden you can bring one another tremendous pleasure without intercourse- and this frees couples up to be more sexual when intercourse just feels like too much, or is out of the question for any reason. Learning how to touch and give your partner sexual pleasure with your hands will transform your sex life, we guarantee it.

10. Notice what has changed in your relationship. If you’ve completed the 9 steps above, you will be in a new place than when you started. Is there anything you want to express to one another now? What kind of sex life do you both want? Ask one another the following question and see how your answers line up: “Darling, what would your ideal sex life look like?” With the physical connection reestablished through massage, you may find that your sexual connection is now within reach!

I would LOVE to hear from anyone who has read this page! If you are trying out these techniques, contact us and share how they are working. If you are in a sexless marriage and this page is useful to you, let us know what worked for you. If you think we are totally off base, let us know! You can contact us privately here.

We wish you well, and hope that a more fulfilling, mutually pleasurable erotic life is just around the corner for you and your lover. Remember, you are not alone!

Healing Sex

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, sexual assault or sexual trauma and want to reclaim your experience of your body, your sexuality and your ability to experience pleasure, you are not alone.

Top Recommended Resource for Survivors:

Healing Sex by Staci Haines

Chris Maxwell Rose, founder of PleasureMechanics.com, is a survivor of child sexual abuse, multiple teenage rapes and other forms of harm and violence. It is a main reason this site exists: Chris experienced multiple forms of sexual violence and has dedicated herself to helping to change sex culture from one of abuse and fear to one of celebration and reverence. Below are some of her thoughts and advice for anyone looking to heal from sexual trauma and live a sex life of their own choosing.

Sex for Survivors

from Chris of PleasureMechanics.com

Right now, as you read this, we live in a global culture of sexual violence. Whatever happened to you is part of that global culture, and it is our legacy inherited down from centuries of even more violence and oppression. But that sex culture is changing – it was not too long ago that most sexual abuse was not even acknowledged as  an issue, but rather part and parcel to other systems of oppression. So the fact is, sex culture changes constantly, and we all influence it with our own lived sexuality.

For us survivors of sexual abuse, that begins with shedding the ongoing violence of what happened to us (make no mistake, until the trauma is resolved the violence is still very much at work in your body!) and rewire our systems back to a state of sexual pleasure and agency.

The truth is: the work it takes to undo sexual trauma is the same work we all must to do be sexually healthy beings. Us survivors have more baggage to sort through, layers of trauma to undo, and more “unlearning” to do than our peers who have not experienced sexual trauma. That is the bad news: there is work to be done, it isn’t clean or easy, and it takes time and effort in your life. That is part of the impact your abuse has had on your life, and you can either own it and do the work, or ignore it and live under the influence of your trauma forever. Many choose not to do the work – and for some people some of the time that is the best choice.

It is my belief that most of us want to heal, want to experience a sexuality that is not colored by our abuse. We want a sexuality of our own making, guided by our own values and desires. Most importantly, we want to end the cycles of abuse that hurt us.

I experienced multiple forms of sexual violence, starting before I was six and extending well into my twenties. I think this is true for many of us who were abused as very young children: boundaries are evaporated so young they never get established, and my sense of what was normal and acceptable included a tremendous range of abuse. Someday, I plan on telling the story of what happened to me all those years, from getting in the wrong car as a little girl to be grabbed on the streets of Venice as a teen, from date rape in frat houses to being driven to abandoned parking lots in quiet beach towns. Like so many men and women, one trauma led to another and I broke the cycle only through sheer will and hope.

When I moved to San Francisco after college to forge my path as an independent sex educator, I had no idea that my first job would include massage training. My mentor Annie Sprinkle hooked me up with my first job, working alongside Joseph Kramer, Ph.D. Founder of the Body Electric School and pioneer of erotic massage, Joseph welcomed me to the world of somatic sex education: where sex is taught not through charts and diagrams, but rather through the direct experience of the body. Think erotic massage classes with twelve men on massage table receiving simultaneous penis massage – I was the teacher in the center of the room. Think “masturbation coaching” sessions, breath rituals and blindfolded trance dances. For five years I worked with the most esteemed teachers in the field, and taught graduate level sexology programs at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. I have since parted ways with that tribe, bringing everything I learned from my studies and work to the online sex education I do with Charlotte as The Pleasure Mechanics. But as my career as a sex teacher was taking off, something else happened along the way.

I healed my body of the trauma of my sex abuse. I went from almost totally numb to highly sensitive and orgasmic. I went from having painful cramps after every single orgasm to pain free. I learned how to stay present and feel pleasure. I learned how to say “yes” and “no” again – and how to figure out what I wanted in the first place. I ended a lifetime sugar addiction, lost thirty pounds and discovered joy in dancing and swimming. I fell in love! I woke up to the beauty and wonder of my body. All without a single talk therapy session, pharmaceutical drugs or  medical intervention of any kind. It all happened as a byproduct of learning a few simple physical skills that, when practiced regularly and paired with authentic emotional honesty with yourself, works wonders.

These transformative physical practices – touch, breathing and movement – are so deceptively simple it is easy to dismiss them. And yet, perhaps they hold the key of what so many of us survivors need – a path back to safety, comfort and relaxation in our own skins. It is my goal to create resources that make these practices within reach of anyone who wants to heal trauma and experience more pleasure.

I would love to hear from anyone who has read this far! Email me through the secure form here and share your story, what has worked for you, what you are struggling with, what questions you may have.

“You are stronger than what happened to you” – Staci Haines

May we work together towards a world without sexual violence, and may the root of that work be healing our own bodies with the incredible power of pleasure.

Chris, PleasureMechanics.com

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