Pleasure Mechanics

Feeling Stuck In A Sexless Marriage?

If you are in a sexless marriage, and are looking for ways to reconnect with your lover, you are not alone. Estimates range from 10% – 40% of all marriages are sexless, defined as engaging in sexual activity less than four times a year. We have worked with couples who have not touched one another for 20 years – so wherever you are in your sexless marriage, remember that you are not alone and it is not your fault!

This page, and this site, is for the rest of you. If you want to reconnect and reanimate your sex life, you are in the right place.

We are not relationship therapists, nor do we know you well enough to give you any advice specific to your situation.

We are however experts in touch – couples massage and erotic touch – and the #1 recommendation from sex therapists meeting couples in sexless marriages is to try more touch!

We’ve partnered with therapists over the years and the verdict is that our massage guides are an excellent place for couples to start rekindling the ability to touch one another, communicate and exchange pleasurable, intimate touch – without the pressure of sex looming!

You may have heard of Sensate Focus. This is a technique developed by Masters & Johnson, early sexologists who basically “wrote the book” of modern sex therapy. Sensate Focus is a long, drawn-out practice where couples reconnect through one-way touch. Our online full body massage course capture all of the benefits of sensate focus – while offering much more pleasure and relaxation (which we all need!) and moving at a pace that fits modern lives.

Here is our guidance for people in sexless marriages who want to find a pathway back to sharing pleasurable touch:

1. Confirm your willingness to touch one another. You must both authentically want to share touch, even if it is scary, even if you doubt it will work, the willingness must be in place.

2. Set aside 10 minutes, 3 times a week.

3. Enroll in the Couples Massage Mastery Online Course. We believe everyone can learn how to give a great massage, and we want every couple around the world to share massage as part of their intimate relationship! With the stroke-by-stroke follow along video guides, you’ll quickly learn how to touch one another with more skill and confidence. Hit play, follow along, and relax into it together!

4. Take turns Giving and Receiving. On any given day, one of you gives the other a massage. No swapping right away. This is important to give each of you the opportunity to feel the role of Giver or Receiver fully, and allow any issues to come up clearly. Here is a podcast about Giving & Receiving

5. Make massage a regular part of your life. Free from the pressures of sex, arousal and all the issues that might bring up, massage is your opportunity to explore what it means to touch each other in a whole new way.  You’ll be learning something new together, which experts say is excellent for emotional intimacy. Plus, you’ll be offering one another quality, relaxing, pleasurable touch. Our video guides are designed to give you success stories right off the bat – we put together sequences that are both easy to learn and highly effective. You may be amazed at how good your lover’s touch can feel!

6. Pay attention to the emotions that come up during the massage exchange. You may find major clues about unresolved issues that have created physical distance in your relationship. The roles of Giver and Receiver bring up a lot of emotions for people. Notice if you feel any anger, resentment, longing, sadness, or any other unexpected emotion. Continue with the massage but make sure to spend time on the emotional issues that arise. In our experience, massage is the best way to bring to the surface all the unspoken issues between couples that may be the real reason you are avoiding physical intimacy.

7. Exchange massage as a regular part of your relationship – 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Then add in kissing, cuddling and pillow talk as you bask in the afterglow of your massage. Allow the intimacy to deepen. When giving each other massage starts feeling joyful, easy and more physically intimate, you can amp up the erotic intimacy. Try giving massage in the nude, allowing more body contact between you. Start adding in kisses as you give massage. Look into one another’s eyes and linger, allowing that vulnerability to bridge the space between you.

8. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom. Take walks or drives together and discuss sex as a general topic of conversation (rather than your own sex life!) Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your first celebrity crushes? What would you want to tell your teenage self about sex if you could go back in time? What are your sexual values? Can sex and love be separate? By talking about sex in general you’ll develop more comfort when it comes to discussing your own sex life.

9. If you are ready to explore more sexual intimacy, consider our Foreplay Mastery Course, which demonstrates (on lifelike replicas, no pornography here!) how to touch  your lover’s most sensitive parts with your hands. The skill of sexually pleasing your lover with just your hands is a game changer- all of a sudden you can bring one another tremendous pleasure without intercourse- and this frees couples up to be more sexual when intercourse just feels like too much, or is out of the question for any reason. Learning how to touch and give your partner sexual pleasure with your hands will transform your sex life, we guarantee it.

10. Notice what has changed in your relationship. If you’ve completed the 9 steps above, you will be in a new place than when you started. Is there anything you want to express to one another now? What kind of sex life do you both want? Ask one another the following question and see how your answers line up: “Darling, what would your ideal sex life look like?” With the physical connection reestablished through massage, you may find that your sexual connection is now within reach!

I would LOVE to hear from anyone who has read this page! If you are trying out these techniques, contact us and share how they are working. If you are in a sexless marriage and this page is useful to you, let us know what worked for you. If you think we are totally off base, let us know! You can contact us privately here.

We wish you well, and hope that a more fulfilling, mutually pleasurable erotic life is just around the corner for you and your lover. Remember, you are not alone!

Healing Sex

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, sexual assault or sexual trauma and want to reclaim your experience of your body, your sexuality and your ability to experience pleasure, you are not alone.

Top Recommended Resource for Survivors:

Healing Sex by Staci Haines

Chris Maxwell Rose, founder of PleasureMechanics.com, is a survivor of child sexual abuse, multiple teenage rapes and other forms of harm and violence. It is a main reason this site exists: Chris experienced multiple forms of sexual violence and has dedicated herself to helping to change sex culture from one of abuse and fear to one of celebration and reverence. Below are some of her thoughts and advice for anyone looking to heal from sexual trauma and live a sex life of their own choosing.

Sex for Survivors

from Chris of PleasureMechanics.com

Right now, as you read this, we live in a global culture of sexual violence. Whatever happened to you is part of that global culture, and it is our legacy inherited down from centuries of even more violence and oppression. But that sex culture is changing – it was not too long ago that most sexual abuse was not even acknowledged as  an issue, but rather part and parcel to other systems of oppression. So the fact is, sex culture changes constantly, and we all influence it with our own lived sexuality.

For us survivors of sexual abuse, that begins with shedding the ongoing violence of what happened to us (make no mistake, until the trauma is resolved the violence is still very much at work in your body!) and rewire our systems back to a state of sexual pleasure and agency.

The truth is: the work it takes to undo sexual trauma is the same work we all must to do be sexually healthy beings. Us survivors have more baggage to sort through, layers of trauma to undo, and more “unlearning” to do than our peers who have not experienced sexual trauma. That is the bad news: there is work to be done, it isn’t clean or easy, and it takes time and effort in your life. That is part of the impact your abuse has had on your life, and you can either own it and do the work, or ignore it and live under the influence of your trauma forever. Many choose not to do the work – and for some people some of the time that is the best choice.

It is my belief that most of us want to heal, want to experience a sexuality that is not colored by our abuse. We want a sexuality of our own making, guided by our own values and desires. Most importantly, we want to end the cycles of abuse that hurt us.

I experienced multiple forms of sexual violence, starting before I was six and extending well into my twenties. I think this is true for many of us who were abused as very young children: boundaries are evaporated so young they never get established, and my sense of what was normal and acceptable included a tremendous range of abuse. Someday, I plan on telling the story of what happened to me all those years, from getting in the wrong car as a little girl to be grabbed on the streets of Venice as a teen, from date rape in frat houses to being driven to abandoned parking lots in quiet beach towns. Like so many men and women, one trauma led to another and I broke the cycle only through sheer will and hope.

When I moved to San Francisco after college to forge my path as an independent sex educator, I had no idea that my first job would include massage training. My mentor Annie Sprinkle hooked me up with my first job, working alongside Joseph Kramer, Ph.D. Founder of the Body Electric School and pioneer of erotic massage, Joseph welcomed me to the world of somatic sex education: where sex is taught not through charts and diagrams, but rather through the direct experience of the body. Think erotic massage classes with twelve men on massage table receiving simultaneous penis massage – I was the teacher in the center of the room. Think “masturbation coaching” sessions, breath rituals and blindfolded trance dances. For five years I worked with the most esteemed teachers in the field, and taught graduate level sexology programs at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. I have since parted ways with that tribe, bringing everything I learned from my studies and work to the online sex education I do with Charlotte as The Pleasure Mechanics. But as my career as a sex teacher was taking off, something else happened along the way.

I healed my body of the trauma of my sex abuse. I went from almost totally numb to highly sensitive and orgasmic. I went from having painful cramps after every single orgasm to pain free. I learned how to stay present and feel pleasure. I learned how to say “yes” and “no” again – and how to figure out what I wanted in the first place. I ended a lifetime sugar addiction, lost thirty pounds and discovered joy in dancing and swimming. I fell in love! I woke up to the beauty and wonder of my body. All without a single talk therapy session, pharmaceutical drugs or  medical intervention of any kind. It all happened as a byproduct of learning a few simple physical skills that, when practiced regularly and paired with authentic emotional honesty with yourself, works wonders.

These transformative physical practices – touch, breathing and movement – are so deceptively simple it is easy to dismiss them. And yet, perhaps they hold the key of what so many of us survivors need – a path back to safety, comfort and relaxation in our own skins. It is my goal to create resources that make these practices within reach of anyone who wants to heal trauma and experience more pleasure.

I would love to hear from anyone who has read this far! Email me through the secure form here and share your story, what has worked for you, what you are struggling with, what questions you may have.

“You are stronger than what happened to you” – Staci Haines

May we work together towards a world without sexual violence, and may the root of that work be healing our own bodies with the incredible power of pleasure.

Chris, PleasureMechanics.com

Best of #PornHasTaughtMe

Erotica for Women

Erotica is read by women all around the world, and has been part of human sexuality for centuries. From the first cave paintings to the kindle craze of Fifty Shades of Grey, human beings have used the technology available to them to express and explore sexuality.

The best erotica is often based in fantasy, and transports the reader to a new world where anything is possible. Fantasy is an essential part of human sexuality, allowing us the freedom and catharsis to explore and be aroused by situations we would never want in our real lived lives. This need for fantasy extends way beyond sex – think about how many of your favorite books, movies and shows are fantasies at heart!

People who love action movies or superheroes don’t problematize their interest in the fantasy world. Yet somehow we give ourselves permission to watch action movies and enjoy the car chases and explosions, but when we read erotic fantasies many of us are worried about being aroused by fantasies – even though we wouldn’t want to be on a pirate ship in real life any more than we’d want to be in a high speed car chase. The idea of it is exciting, the reality might be devastating. Fantasy gives us this alternate reality where anything is possible, there are no limits and we are free to imagine and be aroused by our creative visions.

Compilations of short stories are useful because they allow you to sample a wide range of voices, scenarios and characters without the time investment of a whole novel. Many women report, however, that they enjoy going on a journey with the main character of erotica, and find short stories limited in the emotional intimacy department. Do you prefer long epic trilogies or quickie short stories? Let us know in the comments.

Here is some of our favorite erotica for women. Know about great books you want to share? Let us know in the comments or get in touch privately!

Best Erotica Series for Women

The Sleeping Beauty Series by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure (The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty’s Punishment and Beauty’s Release)

The Fifty Shades Series by E.L. James (Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed)

 

Best Erotica Books for Women

The Story of O by Pauline Reage (a classic, almost old-fashioned, which only adds to the charm!)

Delta of Venus by Anaïs Nin (also be sure to read her diaries, for a complete training in sensual and passionate living!)

Spring Into Summer by Eden Baylee (four short erotica novellas from one of the best contemporary erotic fiction authors)

Best Erotica Short Stories for Women

The Best Women’s Erotica Series Edited by Violet Blue

Best Sex Writing 2012: The State of Today’s Sexual Culture Edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and Susie Bright

Five Minute Erotica Edited by Carol Queen

Macho Sluts by Pat Califia (A classic in the field, featuring very heavy lesbian bdsm!)

Gay Erotica? Fireman Erotica? Fetish Erotica? Cleis Press has you covered with a “Best Of” anthology covering a big range of interests!

On Our Nightstand To Read:

Slammed by Colleen Hoover

 

 

 

 

We’d love to hear your votes for the best erotica for women –  be in touch with your recommendations!

The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty

If you have just finished Fifty Shades of Grey and are wondering what to read next, or are just looking for your next hot erotica trilogy, all roads lead to The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, a trilogy by the incredible Anne Rice. Originally published under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure, this series has just been released in an all new edition, just in time to satiate eager Fifty Shades fans!

I first discovered this series as a teenager, and have read it dozens of times over the years. No matter how many times I revisit it, I fall in love with Beauty all over again and her epic erotic journey never fails to arouse and inspire me.

The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty opens just like the classic fairy tale. Sleeping Beauty is under a spell, and her prince comes to her rescue, waking her not with a kiss but with ravishment. In this moment, right at the beginning of the first book, we know we are in a whole new world with our heroine. The prince “claims” her completely, and whisks her off into a world of sex slaves, heavy BDSM and spectacular erotic rituals. We as readers are immediately immersed in a fantasy world, where along with Beauty we can be seduced by the extreme pleasures and proclivities of the wicked Prince, the Queen and their imaginary kingdom, where every prince and princess receives rigorous training in sexual submission.

What is so amazing about this series is the complete fantasy of it. Anne Rice understands fantasy and elevates every sensual detail until the reader is transported to another world all together, where anything is possible and we have permission to be turned on by the extremes and intensity.

The world of fantasy is an essential part of the human erotic imagination, and all too often we blur the line between fantasy and desire. When we read vampire novels we allow ourselves to be transported to that fantasy world, without worrying about if we actually want to be the living undead in real life. We must allow ourselves the same freedom with erotic fantasy. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty allows us to make the leap into the sex-saturated castles and, just like our heroine, we can find ourselves aroused at the cruel prince, the powerful Queen, the indignities of Beauty’s punishment. In this fantasy world that Anne Rice so beautifully weaves for us, our sexuality is free to be aroused and inspired, and in that freedom is an erotic liberation that can change your sex life in a very real way.

Each book in the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice is a new experience, exploring a new terrain of turn-on. In the second book of the series, Beauty’s Punishment we are transported away from the castle down to the village, where all new erotic adventures are possible. Instead of lavish garden parties with naked servants we find Beauty being spanked with a bread board, chained up in the town square for all to see, and violated by rough hands at the tavern.

The third book, Beauty’s Release, has always been my personal favorite. Beauty is swept away by an exotic sultan and we are transported to a world with new flavors of sensual detail and sexual debauchary. In the fragant halls of the sultan’s palace Beauty experiences the final chapter of her sexual training, and we are treated to scenes with golden body paint, harems of exotic beauties and hands down the hottest sex scenes in the trilogy.

Be forewarned: the themes of Dominance and submission, of physical brutality and painful pleasures are way more intense in Sleeping Beauty than Fifty Shades. No detail is spared as every orifice of our princess is used and abused. Household objects take on new meaning as the characters are beaten, penetrated and stimulated with everything from jeweled swords to thorny roses. The sex is heavy, and the BDSM is otherworldly.

What gives us the freedom to enjoy such brutality is the masterful writing of Anne Rice, who so fully transports us into a fantasy world where anything is possible, giving us the temporary freedom to enjoy such a brutal world, and then happily return to our ordinary world of sexuality, inspired and aroused but with a clear sense of coming home to a safer and saner world of sexual ecstasy.

More of the Best Erotica for Women