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Sexual Fantasy

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This episode was originally published in 2013, and updated in 2021 as Speaking of Sex episode #387, Fantasy Vs. Desire

Ever wanted to share a fantasy with your lover, but had no idea how to get the conversation started?

In this podcast, we share the best ways to get your lover to share a sexual fantasy with you.

We start by exploring the crucial difference between a sexual fantasy and a desire, and then offer strategies for getting your lover to open up and share with you. Talking about fantasies and naming desires is an incredibly vulnerable act, but one that can have huge benefits for your relationship and your sex life.

In this episode of our Speaking of Sex podcast, we answer a listener’s question about getting his wife to tell him what she liked about 50 Shades of Grey, but no matter what your literary preferences, you can benefit from being more honest and transparent about your fantasies with your lover.

Resources Mentioned In This Episode

How To Kiss

Kissing is one of the most basic and essential erotic acts. Yet it is not as simple as locking lips – there are many ways to kiss and learning how to kiss your lover in the way they like to be kissed is well worth it. Once you master the basics of how to kiss you’ll be able to pay more attention to each intimate moment with your lover and enjoy the intimacy of each kiss you share.

Some people like small tender kisses, other people like big wet kisses with lots of tongue. Explore the whole range with each new lover to discover exactly how to kiss that specific person for maximum pleasure. Here are a few general tips on how to kiss with more skill and confidence.

How To Kiss

Here is a classic move to initiate a kiss. Start by making long eye contact, then look at the person’s lips, and back to their eyes. Lean forward slightly and then pay close attention to their cues. Do they smile and lean forward? Or do they hesitate and pull back? This is a pretty great way to know if the person wants to kiss you.
Take it slow. Start with a soft kiss on just the lips, or maybe even the cheek, forehead, or wrist. This helps establish contact and turn up the heat. Being a tease is WAY sexier than being over eager.
Don’t be overeager. Let the kiss “bloom” – kiss the lips first, and if the kiss wants to heat up your lover’s mouth will open to you, never shove your tongue in.
Let your lover kiss you, receive the kiss rather than be desperate and take over. Kissing is like a dance where your lips and tongue meet, you want to play on that edge and not be too pushy.
If you can, use your hands on the rest of your lover’s body. Gently rest your hands on the shoulders, play with the hair, wrap one arm around the lower waist, etc. Make it a full body experience.
Take breaks. if the kiss was good and there is chemistry, you can always start up again. don’t feel the need to kiss for minutes on end all the time
Follow your lover’s lead. Most people kiss how they want to be kissed, so pay attention to what your lover is doing and return that style.

About Prostate Massage

Prostate massage is a healthy and pleasurable activity that can be enjoyed as part of your intimate life. Quite simply, prostate massage stimulates the prostate with a finger or massage tool with the intention of relaxation and/or pleasure. It is a way of directly stimulating the prostate to create a pleasurable release. The prostate is an essential part of the male sexual system, and plays a role in every ejaculation a male experiences. Prostate stimulation emphasizes the sensations of the prostate, and many men report that it leads to more powerful orgasms and more sexual pleasure.

Not to be confused with a medical prostate exam, or digital rectal exam as it is sometimes called, prostate massage is an intimate skill that can be learned and shared by lovers in the privacy of their own home. Comparing a medical prostate exam to the sexual act of prostate stimulation is a bit like comparing a gynecologist visit to having sex. The same physical acts, in different contexts with different emotional meanings, are completely different experiences.

Many guys enjoy prostate massage as part of a healthy sex life with their partner. You can also explore prostate stimulation as part of masturbation. However you chose to explore it, be assured that enjoying prostate or anal stimulation does not mean you are gay! The prostate is part of the male sexual system, no matter what your orientation. Many straight men are discovering the powerful pleasure potential of the prostate and allowing themselves to enjoy it as part of their sex life.

How to Learn Prostate Massage

Learn With Video: The Pleasure Mechanics Guide to Prostate Massage: The #1 Bestselling Video on Prostate Massage

Learn By Reading: The Pleasure Mechanics Handbook on Prostate Massage

If you have any questions about prostate stimulation, be in touch with us – you can always Ask Us Anything!

Arousal

What Is Arousal?

Arousal is the experience of our systems “upregulating” in response to stimulation – for our purposes we will be focusing on sexual arousal, the stimulation in response to pleasurable erotic stimulation (which can be a touch, a sight, even a thought!)

Arousal can be brief or prolonged, sought out or spontaneous. The dictionary definition of “arouse” is “to evoke or awaken.” This definition reminds us that arousal awakens the erotic part of us that is always within us, a part of our very being.

Stimulation from any number of sources can awaken this energy, bringing our attention more fully to our sexuality and desires. Humans can even be aroused by thoughts alone, the memory or an idea of pleasure is enough to stimulate the system and create full body arousal.

Want to build more arousal with. your partner and have more turned-on sex? Our Foreplay Mastery Course has all of the approaches and techniques you’ll need!

The Dual Control Model Of Arousal

One of the most important things to know about arousal is that it is contextual and the overall experience of sexual arousal involves both the gas and the brakes, the things that excite you and that which inhibits your arousal from moving forward. Learn all about this game-changing perspective in Speaking of Sex Episode #227: Manage Your Turn Ons and Turn Offs

Resources To Explore Arousal, Pleasure & Orgasm

Speaking of Sex Podcast Episodes About Arousal

Arousal and Desire

We humans are capable of a wide range of sexual arousal and pleasurable climaxes. Some people like to have one intense climax, others enjoy having a series of orgasms. Some people struggle to have an orgasm at all, while others want to learn to sustain arousal and delay orgasm or ejaculation. With so many possible ways to feel sexual pleasure, it is important to explore a wide range of pleasure responses and be able to experience the kind of arousal and climax you most desire.

People have different sexual goals. Men are often more concerned about trying to prolong arousal and even not ejaculate during arousal, while women are often interested in becoming orgasmic or multi-orgasmic. we can all experience both, and here are some tools to help you experience a wider range of arousal and climax.

To begin paying more attention to your arousal patterns and develop an ability to author your own arousal experiences, it is good to begin with your masturbation practice. This is like a laboratory for your sexual expression. Then you can begin experimenting with a partner.