Question:: I’d like to know more about “fisting”. Although I hate the term (it sounds violent), my wife often enjoys a fuller “hand job”. However, my hands seem to be just a bit too broad at the knuckles and I don’t want to push it and end up giving pain rather than pleasure. Are there good quality vaginal plugs (i guess similar to a butt plug) that would be better ? Or will I eventually manage a full hand given enough arousal / time etc..

Thanks so much for all the cool info. We’ve been married for over 20 years and are trying hard to stay close and intimate despite all the pressure of teenage kids, mortgage etc etc. And thanks for thinking of us boring straight folks !! 🙂

All the best.

Hey there!

Your Question:: My boyfriend has a very small penis. I can barely tell when he is inside me. I can count on one hand how many orgasms I’ve had with him throughout our two year relationship. Even his hands are small, so he is unable to bring me to climax manually. We communicate openly and he is well aware of the problem. He’s tried everything I’ve asked of him, but at this point, I’ve become dependent on a vibrator. I hate that! But I love him so much! We are compatible in every other aspect of our lives and plan to get married. But I really need to know I’m not sentencing myself to a life of unfulfilling sex. He has no complaints in the bedroom. He is sweet and affectionate!

Hey there,

Your situation is not uncommon, and there are a few ways to approach it. You may want to start by listening to our podcast episode on the subject: Does Penis Size Matter? 

First, remember that your clitoris is the center of your sexual system, so no matter what size his hands he can learn how to bring you to orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Have you checked out our fingering techniques video together? Might be a fun and non threatening way to explore together. You might also want to explore fisting if you crave big penetration and he has little hands!

You can also try having intercourse while he wears a masturbation sleeve. A sleeve will increase his girth and he will be able to move inside it so you both will feel lots of sensation. Try having him put on a sleeve, then put a condom over it to smooth it all out and try penetration that way. They also make dildos that are hollow so he can put it over his penis and then penetrate you that way.

There are lots of ways he can pleasure you with his hands and mouth, and his penis using toys or not. If the relationship is worth sticking around for, I would encourage you to use this as an excuse to get creative and explore lots of ways to make love!

Let me know if any of these suggestions work out for you, or if you have any follow up questions.

Cheers!

Chris

Question:: Hi. My wife is satisfied with 2 basic positions: missionary and doggy style lying down. I, on the other hand, am interested in exploring new things that will get me more aroused and more pleasure.

How to get my wife to WANT to explore new activities so that we’ll both benefit from it? How to get her to open up to try new things? She is insecure about her body and therefore not sexy in her performance. Her skills in bed are very poor and I’m therefore not satisfied. She is not suggesting anything new like erotic videos, sex toys, videotaping ourselves, swinging… nothing. She is happy with how things are. She is not even aware that she could benefit from it too by experiencing new levels of pleasure. I even suggested to her a few things that will make me happy like a surprising blowjob while driving or in the cinema, touching private parts (discretely) in public places, going out to a restaurant without panties, a quickly in the closet in friends’ house, watch videos of other couples and get ideas, etc. So I guess my question is: how to get my wife to WANT more from sex?

Answer::

Hey there,

Thanks for being in touch. This is a pretty common question, and I’m going to put it in the queue for doing a podcast episode. Here is an episode we did recently answering a similar question: Wife Doesn’t Want Sex? Here’s What To Do!

But in the mean time, here are a few quick thoughts.

I would suggest slowing way down. The requests you mentioned are all actually pretty extreme requests – many involve public forms of sex or affection – which may feel way too risky. often, men and women have different ideas about what might be on the menu! And if your wife feels like what you really want is way out there, she may just close down completely.

She may also know that you think her skills are “really poor” and thus feel shut down, and just go through the motions but not really enjoy or put her soul into the sex you are having. Kind of like when you know you are bad at a sport, and choose to sit on the sidelines rather than give it a try. Of course, you don’t get any better sitting out, but it feels safer to do so.

What you want to aim for is to start warming up the physical relationship and making sure her needs are being met. What would happen if you said “for this evening, I’ll do anything you wish. from clean the house to give you a foot massage to go through old family photos. what do you need dear?”

Your own needs are important, but if you can set them aside and try to show up for her, right where she is at, as an open hearted and dedicated partner, that might start a (long) process of thawing out the relationship and building more trust.

Have you tried our couples massage videos? if she is open to it, learning massage together can be a great, non-threatening way, to open up the physical relationship. Would she be open to receiving foot or back massage from you? many couples find that massage is a way to start giving one another pleasure again, but doesn’t have the same charge as “give me a blowjob in the theater”

Of course, there are myriad reasons she may be closed down. a few common ones: stress overwhelm, resentment about something in the relationship, a history of trauma or abuse, distraction from money or other life issues, health concerns, chronic disease. . . in short, sexuality is not always a top priority, and it may take some work to figure out what is going on with her inner landscape.

Hope that helps. feel free to write me back with your thoughts, more information about the relationship, your first intuitive response to my advice, and i’ll see if I can provide any more thoughts for you!

Thanks again for being in touch, and good luck!

Chris