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What is the difference between having sex, making love and fucking? The same physical acts can create very different subjective experiences. Many of us crave more fucking, but don’t know quite how to get there.
Passionate Marriage is one of the best books about sex and relationships that we’ve ever come across, and the entire book is well worth reading.
Get your free Audible version of Passionate Marriage by clicking here!
After exploring many facets of sexual intimacy, David Schnarch turns his attention to the experience of fucking, and why so many people find it harder to fuck their spouse than a stranger.
Here are some excerpts from this exploration of healthy fucking:
Fucking involves a unique tone of engagement and experience. People who know it know when they feel it – and with whom they feel it. To those who like it, it’s often more important than orgasm itself. Fucking embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure… a delicious, desirous wantonness. It is the opposite of crudeness; it is sex embellished with erotic virtuosity. There is deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion. Fucking makes for intense sexual encounters.
Fucking involves doing and being done – as in doing your partner and being done by him or her. It’s the doing and being done that some crave and others fear. It involves energy exchange through patterns of coordinated stimulation and role behaviors.
Do you know what it feels like when somebody’s doing you – not just bringing you to orgasm or having intercourse but really doing you? Do you know what it feels like to do somebody else?
Fucking is the subjective experience of doing each other and being done simultaneously.
Many people, male or female, have a hard time cranking loose their eroticism with the person they married.
The real issue here is potency, in this case manifested as sexual intent.
In marriage, sexual intent can involve love, caretaking, mutuality and nurturance, among others. We so rarely address sexual intent that we never think of fucking as loving (in fact, many think of it as “debased sex” and the farthest thing from making love). We think love and caring lead to desire for tender sex, but we don’t associate these with the carnivorous intent involved with doing your partner. The only part we think is involved in fucking is people’s “dark” side.
This brings us to the other issue noted above: what “kind” of aggression is involved? Society may accept that anger can be healthy – but not when it’s mixed with sex. Becuase sexualied aggression too often fuels degradation, abuse, and rape, all forms of it have been banished from the bed. The problem is that healthy aggression plays a role in healthy fucking.
Think of it as a productive way to use pent-up energy in the relationship. Having sex with as much energy as you expend at the gym is good for you physically and emotionally, and much better for your relationship. People don’t have sex to the point of exhaustion the same way they do in their workouts, but it would probably help everything if they did.
Get your free Audible version of Passionate Marriage by clicking here!
Your challenge: Fantasize about what it means to fuck. How does it feel in comparison to making love? Do you crave fucking more in your relationship? If so, what steps can you take to open up to healthy fucking?