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Curious about backdoor play? Want to explore the thrilling potential of this highly sensitive area – but don’t want to get hurt? Our approach to anal touch offers 100% pleasure, 100% pain-free stimulation. With a deep respect and understanding of the body, we can access way more erotic pleasure, emotional intimacy and connection.
Ready for a new approach to anal? Tune in to this podcast episode, and come over to PleasureMechanics.com/Anal for more resources.
Podcast Transcript:
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Chris Rose: 00:00 Welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. I’m Chris.
Charlotte Rose: 00:04 I’m Charlotte.
Chris Rose: 00:05 We are the Pleasure Mechanics and on this podcast we have compassionate, passionate conversations about sex and sexuality, love and relationships, shame and guilt, all the things you need to know to have a more pleasurable, satisfying and fulfilling erotic life. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com where you will find a treasure trove of resources awaiting you. You will find our complete podcast archive and if you go to pleasuremechanics.com/free, you can sign up for our free online course, The Erotic Essentials. That’s pleasuremechanics.com/free to get started with us right away. On today’s episode, we are talking about a part of the body that has exquisite pleasure potential that can open up so much arousal and orgasmic capacity for all bodies. That is the site of so much potential care and love and connection and yet often gets either ignored or mistreated. We’re talking about the amazing asshole, the beautiful butt hole.
Charlotte Rose: 01:20 The awesome anus.
Chris Rose: 01:23 Yes, it is time to change the conversation about the asshole, the anus and anal play. We have been teaching about butt play now for 13 years. Our very first project together was all about prostate massage and for the past 13 years we have witnessed in culture kind of a mainstreaming of anal sex. People are talking about it more, more and more men are really excited about exploring prostate orgasms and pegging and prostate play. And what we are noticing is that even though the conversation around anal is going more mainstream, it hasn’t really been updated. And we are still getting so many emails from people who are trying anal sex and having terrible experiences with it, who are hurting their lovers without meaning to, while trying to give them pleasure.
Chris Rose: 02:16 And also just from people who still experience a lot of shame and guilt and fear about this part of the body. So we want to introduce you to a new approach to anal play, one that respects this part of the body and opens the door for so much more arousal and pleasure and intimacy if you choose. And even if you never choose to play with your butt in bed after listening to this conversation, we hope it’ll at least diffuse some of the shame around this area so it can be more integrated into your sex life. Even as just a neutral thing, if you can go of but shame you’ll have more pleasure available to you.
Charlotte Rose: 03:03 Yeah. This area is so exquisite. There is so much sensation available. And as a culture we haven’t been educated around how to touch this part of the body with skill, with confidence, with care, with kindness because we’re so used to denigrating the ass. It’s one of the greatest insults you can call one another. You shit head, you asshole. That is not a loving, caring kind thing that we’re naming one another. And so I think this translates into how we touch this part of the body, how we think about it and how we relate to it. So when we start with the understanding that the butt hole, the anus is incredibly sensitive, we can start to treat it in a different way.
Chris Rose: 03:48 So when I receive email after email from people who are trying to explore anal play and are excited about it, are eager for the pleasure that they’ve heard is available here and yet come up against discomfort, pain, kind of failed tries at this with one another, I recognize that even though this conversation about anal sex has gone mainstream, the image of anal hasn’t yet changed. Many people will see anal sex depicted in porn and then try to recreate that at home. And unfortunately porn is not sex education. It is fantasy, it is entertainment, it is highly edited and it is professional performers.
Chris Rose: 04:36 This would be like watching an ice hockey game and then just throwing yourself on the rink with no training, you’re going to get hurt. So while we can respect porn as sexual entertainment, we need to recognize it is not education. And the way anal sex specifically is depicted in porn is a recipe for disaster. This isn’t like trying a different sex position, maybe it doesn’t work and you just go back to doing your thing. If you try to have anal sex the way you see it in porn, you can do major damage to the body and you will create an experience that no one wants to replicate.
Chris Rose: 05:16 And so many people have already had this experience in their body and so we need a radically different approach to anal pleasure. And we have one for you. We have one for you because our background in this is one of anal massage. Charlotte and I both learned how to touch the anus, how to give prostate stimulation through the framework of erotic massage. And I was reminded of how different this approach was recently when I was listening to Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast. And someone called in about anal stimulation and Dan Savage said, “Fingers don’t feel good in the butt.” They’re bony and pokey and just go to do butt plug instead.
Chris Rose: 06:07 And my heart just hurts when I hear him say this to his millions of listeners, it’s not the first time I’ve heard him say this. And clearly Dan Savage has never received a proper prostate massage. When you approach the anus through the lens of massage, everything changes. And we can start experiencing anal stimulation as purely pleasurable, incredibly tender and gentle. And then from that place, start opening up to more intense penetration if you wish. So this is the first difference in our approach. When we talk about anal stimulation, we are talking about the whole range from light external stimulation of the external anal sphincters. That whole area that’s just inches away from your genitals, from light external stimulation, all the way up to deep penetration. That whole spectrum is available to us and counts as anal play.
Chris Rose: 07:14 So the first thing I invite you to do is to kind of erase the image of the full anal sex being plowed into kind of thing and just put it out of your mind because that is not how we start. And for many people that idea is so overwhelming and intimidating that they don’t even want to begin the conversation. What if instead the invitation was gentle massage of the external anal area to add all of these layers of sensation and pleasure to the erotic experiences you already enjoy? So that’s the first major difference is that we approach it as a spectrum of stimulation. The second major difference in how we approach is anal stimulation is for the recipient’s pleasure. The person whose butt hole is being touched, their pleasure is centered in the experience and then shared with the giver. This is radically different than how most people think about anal sex.
Charlotte Rose: 08:22 I think we are used to the idea that the receiver endures some kind of discomfort in order to give the giver a gift.
Chris Rose: 08:31 A gift, a tight hole to fuck is really what we’re talking about. This is the paradigm most people have is I will suffer through something to give a person with a penis, a tighter hole to fuck. No thank you.
Charlotte Rose: 08:44 We really encourage you not to do this, to stop doing this. This is a cultural idea. It totally makes sense why people feel this way. This is what we’ve been taught, but we really you to stop that dynamic and to take on the idea that anal pleasure when done well, when done with skill can be incredibly pleasurable for the recipient and that is who you are. Having this experience for, that is why we’re doing it. And that is a different approach for both people in the sex act. It’s a different kind of sex.
Chris Rose: 09:18 The other major difference that the massage approach brings us to anal play is that it respects the anatomy. When we’re doing massage, we get to know the body so intimately that we can respond exactly to what the body wants as it wants it. We meet it at that place of just right. And this is true when you’re massaging someone’s shoulders, which is why when I heard Dan Savage say butt play with a finger feels like some bony finger poking you in the butt, we’ve all had a shoulder rub where it feels like someone’s just poking you carelessly with bony, rigid fingers.
Chris Rose: 09:56 Contrast that to an exquisite shoulder massage, and that’s the difference we’re talking about here. So through our techniques, what we invite you into is touching the butt with so much care and awareness that you are giving it exactly what it wants as it wants it. This turns out to be incredibly important for the anus, partly because of its anatomy. When we know what we are made of, when we know what our bodies are designed to do, we can play with them so much more effectively and unleash all of the pleasure potential that is inside us all. So for so many people, when they have anal sex without understanding how the butt works, it leads to either less than optimal experiences or painful experiences.
Chris Rose: 10:51 Through our techniques what we promise is 100% pleasurable, 100% pain free every time. And that’s true. If you’re going to just do external stimulation or go all the way to a fist inside your butt, the big kind of penetration that some people crave can be accomplished without a moment of pain. You do not ever need to endure pain to get to pleasure. This is one of our foundational understandings here at Pleasure Mechanics. It can be all pleasure all the time. So how do we do this? What is the approach? So how do we do this and what does the anatomy of the butt tell us about anal pleasure? So I want to take you on a tour of your asshole.
Chris Rose: 11:40 And first of all, let’s just address the fact that a lot of people have shit shame. They think of this area as dirty and they think of it as a one way hole. That’s kind of what some people say to dismiss anal sex. We want to start from the idea that the anus is part of the sexual system of all bodies, this is true whether you have a vulva or a penis. The anus is part of your sexual system. The nerve endings of the anus are tied right in to the nerve endings of your genitals. The muscles of the anal sphincters are part of your pelvic floor, part of those muscles that contract with every orgasm you’ve had and the anus in and of itself is a site of great sexual potential.
Chris Rose: 12:36 It’s not a bystander, it’s not kind of a bonus. It is an intimate part of our sexual system that many of us have ignored or numbed out or disregarded. So it’s time to bring it back and just integrate it into a sense of your sexuality. And the goal of this conversation is not to make everyone into an anal sex fanatic. You never need to include anal pleasure in your sex life if you choose not to. But we can all get to a place of more anal neutrality, of understanding this as part of our sexual system and shedding some of the shame that might be holding back your pleasure without you even knowing it.
Chris Rose: 13:16 We cannot be completely comfortable and open to our sexual pleasure if we have shame and constriction and tension around our asshole. So let’s start with a tour of the asshole. So imagine your genitals, visualize them, think about them, and notice that the genitals and the anus are inches apart. They’re connected through this band of muscle called the perineum, which for some is in between the vaginal opening and the anus and for others is in between the testicles and the anus. The perineum itself is actually a site of great pleasure and we should probably do an episode all about perineum touch and how we can stimulate this area. It’s a nexus of nerves and muscles and you can really use the perineum as a secret spot of stimulation. We’ll table that for another episode. I like that idea, perineum pleasures.
Chris Rose: 14:19 Just below the perineum is the anus. This little beautiful pucker of flesh. It is a sphincter muscle, which means it is a muscle that opens in a circular radial fashion. We have them in different parts of our bodies. Our eyes have sphincters, our irises that open and close to light. The throat has a sphincter and the anus has a sphincter. Fun little anatomy fact, as humans are developing in embryo the sphincters, the tube that becomes the tube between your mouth and your anus is one of the first features to develop in the human fetus. And this passageway between our mouth and our anus is intimately connected. And again, maybe we need to do a whole other episode about the connection between the mouth and the anus and all of those things.
Chris Rose: 15:15 So the anus is the other end of the tube that starts at your throat, right? It is the end of your digestive passage and it is the opening to the rectum. So this sphincters are incredibly important to know about. On the external anal sphincter, the external area of the ass. So all around your asshole extending out into the perineum intimately connected with their genitals is one of the densest concentration of sensory nerve endings found on the human body. I will repeat that. The external anus has one of the densest concentrations of nerve endings found on the human body. When we hear that we have to think pleasure potential, nerve endings are what give the clitoris and the penis so much pleasure potential. And these nerve endings are directly tied in to your sexual response cycle.
Chris Rose: 16:20 So what this tells us is external anal stimulation, just touching the outside of the butt with no intention of going inside can add so much sensation, so much pleasure to the arousing activities you already enjoy. It’s like having a whole other area to stimulate that most of us ignore or freak out if our lover even approaches it. So let’s just take that in for a moment that all of us through all of our sexual experiences have this whole other area with all of this good potential for pleasure and we don’t touch it.
Charlotte Rose: 17:05 I love to think about the whole pelvis. The whole pelvis is one huge sexual system. As Chris was saying earlier, and so many of us just focus on the front. But if we register that all of it is connected intimately, then we are literally missing out on half of the pleasure potential.
Chris Rose: 17:26 And not only are we ignoring it, but so many people hold so much shame and tension that they’re not ignoring it, they’re actively constricting it. They’re tightening their butts, they are somewhere in your head you’re kind of worried if your lover is going to see it or touch it or smell it. God forbid you fart in bed and that tension is actively blocking pleasure. It is actively blocking blood flow to your genitals. If you tense your butt, that muscular constriction blocks blood flow to your genitals, blood flow creates erection and helps arousal. You’re actively blocking nerve pathways that send pleasure signals to your brain.
Chris Rose: 18:11 And if you want to experiment with this, try masturbating and really tightening your ass and having a lot of butt constriction and notice the difference. You’ll notice how much but tension and anal constriction can block pleasure. Okay, so the external anal sphincters are rich with nerve endings and we can approach that area with a whole set of techniques designed to stimulate those nerve endings. Just like we have techniques to stimulate the penis, just like we have techniques to touch the clitoris and internal vaginal techniques to stimulate these parts of the body, we have techniques to touch the anus specifically.
Chris Rose: 18:59 This is the beauty of the massage approach, our massage lineage, and when we say a massage approach, Charlotte and I both went to school for this shit. We are certified butt masseuses. We are both from a lineage, the erotic massage lineage that has spent countless hours studying the sexual system, studying what we are made of and designed specific techniques to bring as much pleasure and relaxation to these areas as possible. Anal massage can be the most relaxing experience and just part of a full body massage or it can be one of the most highly erotic experiences. So when we say massage techniques for the anus, this is just like we have specific massage techniques for the shoulder muscles or the feet.
Chris Rose: 19:51 Respecting the anatomy and understanding the anatomy gives us keys to unlock pleasure. And these are all of the techniques we share with you in our courses and that are easily learned. And once you have these skills in your hands, they just become part of how you touch and make love to one another. You become fluent in the language of touch. That is what massage offers you. And as we describe all of this touch, remember that all anal touch needs lube. Really all erotic touch can benefit from some lube, but definitely anytime you’re touching the anus and especially if you’re going inside high quality, good lubricant is essential because these tissues do not self lubricate. And lube will just make all of your touch glide and slide and feel so much more pleasurable.
Chris Rose: 20:48 Just like massage oil for full body massage makes every stroke feels so much more delicious and allows you to glide into the body, into the tissues, lube allows erotic touch to slip and glide along these sensory nerve endings with way more grace. And lube is your friend in all erotic touch, but it is essential for anal play. And if you don’t already have a great lube that you love and trust, you’ll find recommendations for our favorite lubes on the resource page for this episode, that’s pleasuremechanics.com/anal where you’ll find more information about everything we are about to share with you. Yeah. All right.
Chris Rose: 21:35 So when we massage the external anal area, when we bring all of these beautiful techniques, when we learn how to use our hands or a toy to just touch the external anal area, most people will experience additional arousal, more electricity and charge behind their arousal. And a lot of people report that it just opens up their arousal and it makes it feel bigger and more expansive and fills their whole pelvis. As Charlotte was saying, you get a sense of uh. That’s the whole thing and you can then integrate this kind of touch sometimes all the time, part of the time into things like oral sex or if you have one hand in the vagina, you can have one hand on the anus and lightly stimulating it and you just bring new levels of pleasure to that sex act.
Chris Rose: 22:32 Now the anus has two sphincters. We’ve been talking about the external anal sphincter is the one that is just on the outside of your body and you can consciously control it. You can tighten it and relax it. Do it now with me. Yeah, you can feel that flex. About half an inch or inch beyond the external anal sphincter is another sphincter muscle, the internal anal sphincter. This is incredibly important. The internal anal sphincter is not under your conscious control. Your body has to relax it and want it to open. This is really important because for a lot of people, they open up that external anal sphincter and start to penetrate and feel that next ring of muscle and it is tight.
Chris Rose: 23:30 It has not yet opened to the touch and this is where a lot of people get hurt. When these sphincters are forced open, that’s when tissues get damaged, that’s when pain happens. That’s that huh that a lot of people experience during anal touch. That feeling of tension and constriction and pain comes when we push past the resistance of these muscles. So how do we approach this differently? With the techniques of anal massage, we allow the internal sphincter to open on its own, you get invited in. And this feeling of having your finger right on that internal sphincter and giving the body so much pleasure that you feel the body open up to you is one of the most exquisite sensations I know.
Chris Rose: 24:23 It’s such a moment of, “Yes, I want this.” It’s a moment of trust, it’s a moment of invitation. And when the internal sphincter opens on its own, you can then glide past it and you have achieved graceful penetration. And this can happen again with a finger, a toy, and the advanced is with a penis or a larger toy. But we firmly believe we all should start this play with our fingers because then you learn together with your partner what this feels like, and fingers are much less intimidating than a penis and much more sensitive than a penis. You can rest your finger right on the butt and it’s just such a beautiful… We get a little reverent with this because it feels so good when it is done well.
Chris Rose: 25:16 And when you’re arresting your fingers right on that internal sphincter and it opens up, you feel how easily you can slide in. There’s no resistance, there’s no pushing, there’s no forcing, there is no pain. And if there is a moment of discomfort, you notice it. This is how we guarantee pain free because we teach you how to notice the first moment of discomfort and then ease back and wait for the body to want more.
Chris Rose: 25:48 This is one of the most important skills we can bring to anal touch is paying exquisite attention to what it wants, to what the body that you are penetrating is asking for and then giving it what it wants.When you are touched that way, you feel seen, you feel held, you feel heard. And this is when that emotional vulnerability of anal sex, where that trust, that intimacy becomes exquisitely available to us because we can open up to one another with trust and with confidence that both people want it and then so much more is possible.
Charlotte Rose: 26:27 And then after you have gently and gracefully entered past the two sphincters you get into the rectum, poop doesn’t live in that. It passes through that during a bowel movement. So you don’t have to worry about that.
Chris Rose: 26:42 Well, a lot of people are concerned that if you go into the butt hole, you’re just slamming into a wall of poop. This is not true. As Charlotte just said, poop is stored in the intestine and only passes through the rectum when you are actively pooping. So this is really important to know. Your rectum is four to six inches of open space inside your pelvis that is again, intimately connected with your sexual system. So it is a portal we can use to access our sexual system. What happens once we’re inside the rectum?
Charlotte Rose: 27:17 On the outside of the anus, there are so many sensory nerve endings as we were talking about, but on the inside of the rectum there are not. There are pressure receptors. You will feel a feeling of fullness of pressure and some people really love this sensation, but it is a very different experience than the pleasure of the external sphincters. So I think it’s really valuable to know that these are different sensations and some people will really like one or the other. Some people will really enjoy all of that being stimulated and to have both of those sensations.
Chris Rose: 27:49 I just notice this. So many of our images of anal sex go straight to big penetration and big fucking. And to know that most of the sensory nerve endings are on the outside, you never need to penetrate to get to them. But what does penetration open up? Why penetrate at all then? What is so amazing about penetration with one or two fingers with a small toy or if you want to get larger, is that it is an internal pathway to the sexual system. And this is why. So from the inside of the rectum you can touch the genitals. For men, this means the prostate and the internal root of the penis. Guys do not know that up to two thirds of the length of their penis is inside their body. Most guys relate to their penis is something that just hangs outside. It is not.
Chris Rose: 28:50 It extends deep inside the body, is firmly anchored into the pelvic muscles. And when you go inside a guys butt, you can start stroking his cock from in side and you start feeling that root of the internal penis and his sensation expands dramatically. And we will do more episodes soon about how we can get specific in our approaches, whether we are touching someone with a vulva or someone with a penis. Because there are very specific techniques we can bring to those bodies and different ways those bodies have been socialized to think about anal sex. So we want to get more specific with that in future episodes. But for now, just register that from the inside of the butt, you can touch the internal root of the penis, the prostate. Meanwhile, the other hand is touching the external penis and you have the entire sexual system in your hands ready to stimulate and play.
Chris Rose: 29:54 Equally, on someone with a vulva if you’re going through the anus, you can touch the backside of their vaginal wall and the G-spot through the anus and also the internal roots of the clitoris. Once again, you can have one hand inside, one hand outside and you have their entire sexual system in your hands. This was a revelation for me when we’re so used to just touching the external genitals. When you get your hands on both parts of the same time, I feel like the sexual system starts to make sense as a whole. As you were saying, it kind of occupies the entire pelvis, you feel it integrated and then you feel its pleasure potential start coming to life. So why do people like internal anal play? Some people, as Charlotte said, love that feeling just of the fullness and the fullness of having something in your ass makes everything that’s happening to your genitals feel more intense.
Chris Rose: 30:53 Some people love the emotional vulnerability of opening that up and feeling that openness and the receptivity of anal sex. Just that emotional experience of being opened up is really hot for a lot of people and other people love it for the sensations of that external anal sphincter being opened up, getting slid past and stimulated with every stroke and then that internal pressure and every stroke putting stimulation on the genitals from the inside. For a lot of people, this is a formula for exquisite pleasure and incredible connection and it becomes possible when we approach this area with more respect.
Charlotte Rose: 31:37 And paying attention to the nuances of all of the sensations and muscle tone. There’s so much you can gather as the giver of this kind of touch and it is really valuable to do this with your hands because that is how you can learn and gather the information and discover what your partner is, what that body is up for. Because their mind might be up for something else but their body will be ready or not and you can feel for that and not push past that second sphincter. As Chris was talking about because the body really needs to feel safe and comfortable and turned on and relaxed in order for that second sphincter to open. And this is why we love to start with a full body massage, move on to butt massage and then move on to the external anal sphincters and then keep going as the body wants because this way you can really seduce the body into relaxation and feeling comfortable and then more pleasure available.
Chris Rose: 32:40 The other beautiful thing of using your hands instead of a toy is that the fingers are designed to gather information. We read braille with our fingertips. That is how incredibly sensitive they are. And so with your fingertips, with awareness, you can feel the nuances of your partner’s pleasure opening up. And Charlotte was saying you develop that trust by going as slowly as their body is telling you to go. When you are being touched in this just right way, it doesn’t matter if it’s on your shoulder or on your butt hole. Being touched with this level of attention builds so much trust and intimacy.
Chris Rose: 33:28 And think about how different and experience this is if you are really relaxed after a full body massage, your lover’s fingertips are on your external anal sphincters. They’re lovingly touching your genitals, you’re super aroused and there is no rush. There is no agenda. That is a dramatically different experience than kind of being on your hands and knees and bracing for what’s coming, which is how most people prepare for anal sex. This is such a radically different approach to anal play that you might be having images of just like relaxing massages and little fingertips massaging cute little butt holes.
Chris Rose: 34:11 What I do want to say is this is all preparation for the wildest, most vigorous, most beasteal anal fucking that you might want to have. When you learn how to touch the butt this way, you can start developing confidence and preparation for anal sex starts being just a pleasurable opening up. And for some people then after several sessions of this, they can go from one finger to two fingers to three fingers to a penis or a dildo in however little as much time as that takes. But those first stages of arousing and relaxing the body, approaching the external sphincter, lavishing it with a lot of touch and technique, slowly going inside and listening for the body to invite you in, all of those stages are important. No matter if you’re staying with one finger inside or if you’re going all the way to deep big penetration.
Chris Rose: 35:16 This is how the anal sphincters like to be touched. This is how they like to be opened up. This is based on the anatomy and the physical map the body gives us for pleasure. So we have given you a tour of the asshole, of the anus as part of your sexual system and we hope that this has given you a new perspective on how this area can be approached or radically how it can be approached with a ton of respect and care and love and how different that approach is from how we see anal sex depicted in porn. We need to really readjust our attitudes and our expectations before we try to integrate this as a pleasurable sexual experience. Because for a lot of people, if they know that their partner wants anal play, they jump right to the porn version and they say, “No way.” Or they go back to a painful experience they’ve had in the past and they say, “No thank you, I tried it once. I never want to do that again.”
Chris Rose: 36:19 What we need to do is come to more of a neutral stance where we understand what our bodies are made of, we understand how the anus fits into our sexual system, we understand how to prepare and deal with the hygiene issues so that shit shame and worries about poop don’t get in our way. And then we can start integrating anal stimulation on our own terms. You are not trying to perform the porn model or re-enact harm that has happened in your past. With these new attitudes and with all of the techniques that we guide you through in our courses, we want you to have a pleasurable experience of your butt hole, however that looks for you. The topics of preparation and hygiene are a whole other conversation and we have put together a resource page for you at pleasuremechanics.com/anal, A-N-A-L, very short and nice.And there you will find all the information you need to approach this with calm and confidence and clarity about how this part of the body wants to be touched, about the sexual erotic potential of the anus. We invite you to explore.
Charlotte Rose: 37:47 Yes, I hope there’s so much pleasure for you ahead. We also want to remind you that you can add this into your own masturbation. If you are curious about this and there isn’t a partner available to explore this with you, please know this is something you can just begin to explore and add into your masturbation now.
Chris Rose: 38:06 And for a lot of people that’s an easier way to start exploring this and gain some confidence and understand how this part of their body fits into the rest of their sexual system. Just dropping a hand down and holding gently, just place a few fingers on top of your butt and then masturbate how you normally do. Don’t try to stimulate it, just feel it and hold it with some love and respect and see what that feels like. That’s a great first step for all of us. Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote the book Anal Pleasure & Health. He was one of our early mentors in our sexological body work training. He recommends that in the shower every time you shower, just take a soapy hand and run it along your butt crack. Which again is such a simple thing, but how many of us do that as we touch the rest of our body and care for it in the shower?
Charlotte Rose: 39:03 And it’s just a great way to begin having a relationship with this part of our body of getting to nurture it, as Chris was saying. To kind of begin to dissolve the shame and the ignoring of it that so many of us do in this culture.
Chris Rose: 39:16 And notice how you wash it in the shower. You might do it just quickly. You might do it a little roughly and even with a little disgust. Can you bring that moment in the shower to a moment of self respect and love and thanking this part of the body for doing the job it does? We did not get too evangelical about the anus on this episode. This was our rained in version. But we need to remember that the anus is an essential part of the human body. We could not survive without it. We need to respect it and bring some love to it instead of just degrading it all the time.
Chris Rose: 39:59 If you want to have a pleasurable relationship with your genitals and your anus as you’re having sex and you want to have great orgasms and you want all of that pleasurable benefits, then throughout your day we need to be respecting the parts that will be giving us this pleasure. We can’t degrade and ignore the asshole and have a relationship of shame and fear with it and then expect it to bring us to orgasmic highs on Friday nights. This is a 24/7 relationship we have with our bodies and for many of us we have some healing and repairing to do in our relationship with our anuses.
Charlotte Rose: 40:38 And probably because of that, if you begin exploring your anal area and you actually don’t feel that much, that is also very normal. There can be some numbness at the start of your exploration because we’ve had all of this shaming, this tension and constriction. So know that that’s okay. If you start exploring and you’re like, “What am I talking about? There’s not that much sensation here at all.” That can be part of the process. And as you begin to pay more kind, reverent attention to your ass, it will begin to wake up.
Charlotte Rose: 41:08 So pairing the sensation with erotic stimulation that you’re already familiar with and already enjoy is a great way of beginning to match up those neural pathways to associate the anus and sensation there with erotic pleasure. So as Chris was saying earlier, masturbate and then just add a little sensation to the anal sphincters and see what happens over time. But because we may have had a lifetime of a relationship of not being kind to our butts, it may take a little while for this beautiful relationship to open up as well. So give it some time, some patience and some attention, and then see what opens up.
Chris Rose: 41:48 Right. And remember for most people, their first experience of anal shame is when they’re getting their diapers changed. It goes that far back. Babies are not ashamed of their assholes. As parents, we can attest to this. Babies have this integrated sense of their bodies and then shame and fear and guilt is learned over time. And so if you’re a caregiver when wiping your first little poos was like, “Gross, smelly, yuck.” Or if you were like exploring your body as a baby and then your parents swatted away your hands, those are the first interventions and we have to excavate that far back. What have you learned your whole life about the anus, about anal sex, that it is dangerous, that it is dirty, that it is painful.
Chris Rose: 42:43 These messages are deep in us and they come from an approach to anal sex that completely disregards the anatomy, that approaches it as a hole to be fucked, that doesn’t care about the experience of the person being penetrated because they are being degraded. This is just the truth of how most of us understand anal play and we are turning that all on its head. And we are saying that this is an exquisite sacred site of sexual pleasure. It’s an important part of your sexual system that can be touched with precision, with skill, with confidence, with love.
Charlotte Rose: 43:22 With presence.
Chris Rose: 43:23 With so much emotional presence, and like trust between the partners that you open up to a whole new relationship with this part of your body. And you discover the pleasurable potential that is just waiting for you to tap into. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com/anal for way more information about anal touch, anal hygiene, anal preparation. We have all of that information waiting for you. And if you are ready to learn these skills in your own hands, if you are ready to try these techniques out on your own body or the body of your lover, if you are ready to experience this pleasure we’ve been talking about, check out our online courses.
Chris Rose: 44:10 They’re both listed on pleasuremechanics.com/anal, we have a prostate massage course, we have an anal sex for women course and you will learn all of these techniques stroke by stroke. We teach them on silicone replicas, so you get all of the explicit anatomy, but with none of the distracting factors of being taught on a real body. You get Charlotte’s masterful hands who have done thousands of hours of prostate massage, thousands of hours of anal massage demonstrating these techniques. And I really love when we hear from course members who say it was one thing to hear you talk about it. It’s a whole other thing to see you do it. So since we can’t be in a workshop together and we can’t demonstrate anal massage live for you, this is why we’ve put together our video courses so you can learn from our hands in real time.
Chris Rose: 45:11 And some people watch these videos and then integrate the techniques next time they’re making love. Other couples will watch them while they are exploring one another’s bodies and follow along stroke by stroke and talk through it and discover a whole new vocabulary of pleasurable touch. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com, check out our online courses there. You can use the code speaking of sex for 20% off and let us guide you into the incredible orgasmic potential of your asshole.
Charlotte Rose: 45:45 Yes, we love this. We are so excited for you to explore and experiment with and discover there’s so much available there. So may it be beautiful, may it be gentle, may it be delicious.
Chris Rose: 45:59 And we are going to be following this conversation up with some deeper dives into anal play for men and women and how we’re socialized to think about that. If you have questions about anal sex that were not addressed in this episode, please email them to me at chris@pleasuremechanics.com. And if you love this show and want to support us, come on over to pleasuremechanics.com/love, join our inner circle and you can ask us questions there and get priority access to our inbox. Yes, pleasuremechanics.com/love, pleasuremechanics.com/anal for way more information and we wish you so much anal pleasure.
Charlotte Rose: 46:48 All right.
Chris Rose: 46:50 I’m Chris.
Charlotte Rose: 46:51 I’m Charlotte.
Chris Rose: 46:52 We are the Pleasure Mechanics.
Charlotte Rose: 46:53 Wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.
Chris Rose: 46:56 Cheers.